XII: A Prophecy Fulfilled

“I gotta get rid of this thing, Dix. It makes everyone look like mashed potatoes.” The shifty and eccentric Johnny Go and his beautiful and psychotic sidekick Dixie Doublestacks sat in a retro intergalactic diner sipping milkshakes that they had spiked with bourbon, and eating a plate of that galaxy’s version of French fries. They both wore jumpsuits that could only be described as ‘1950s space pirate Halloween costumes’, which was strangely fitting with the rest of the clientele at the diner. The waitresses all had robotic wheels for feet that strongly resembled roller skates. For some reason, Runaround Sue was playing on the jukebox. 
Johnny picked up a spoon from the table and tapped the thin metal ring around his eye. He had gotten the bionic eye implanted while he and Dixie were in witness protection on the anime planet, and for a while it was a real treat to see the sexual essence of everyone he looked at. 
“I thought you could control when you saw through it?” Dixie asked as she took a long drink from her milkshake. She screwed up her face, reached for her bourbon flask, and added a generous shot. 
“I could initially, but I think the further away we get from that anime planet, the harder it’s gotten to control. Now more than half the time I look at stuff I get this red digital display on top, even if I don’t want to use it.” 
“What’s the display say?” 
“Nothing useful now. It was supposed to measure levels of teenage sex juice, but no one outside of the anime planet has it, so now all it shows is random letters and numbers, and a check box that I think is just telling me who’s gay.” 
“Oh yeah, who cares about that?” Dixie mused, stirring her milkshake. “So can you just cut it out? I have my little pearl handle surgical knife out in the ship.” 
“I think a medic has to do it,” Johnny said, taking a handful of space fries and shoving them into his mouth. “It’s wormed its way into my frontal lobe.” 
“Hmm,” mused Dixie, “I wonder where we can find a medic on this planet?” 
“I’ll ask the waitress when she comes back,” Johnny said. “I want another shake, too. I don’t know what a soleberry is, but it’s all I want to eat from now on.” He slurped the remainder of his shake, then started waving for the waitress, who eventually noticed him and rolled over to their booth. 
“What can I get ya, hon?” she asked. She chewed a big wad of electric green gum and snapped it loudly. A small spark came out when she did. 
“Another soleberry shake,” Johnny said. “Dix, you want anything else?” 
“Yeah, you guys have mozzarella sticks?” she asked. 
“What’s that?” 
“Like… fried cheese?” 
“We have fried bloor livers.” 
“Um… no…” Dixie said. She thought for a minute. “I’ll just have another shake.” The waitress was about to turn and roll away when Johnny stopped her. 
“Also, ma’am, we had another question.” She turned back to them. 
“We’re in the market for a… certain service that we’d… prefer to keep on the proverbial down low.” 
“Hon, prostitution is legal on this planet,” the waitress said, and turned to leave. 
“Uh, no not that,” Dixie said. 
“Yeah, we need someone who can perform a… medical procedure,” Johnny said. 
“Discreetly.” 
“You know that doctors are legal here, too?” the waitress replied, looking confused. “You don’t need an appointment or anything, you can just walk in.” 
“We’d rather not go through official channels,” Johnny said. 
“Well, I don’t know what to tell you. I’ll ask the cook if you want. He’s usually tuned into anything weird around here.” She rolled away. 
“Is it possible that we’re currently on the only planet in the galaxy that doesn’t have a black market?” Dixie asked. 
“There’s a thriving black market here,” a feminine, but semi-robotic, voice said. “You just have to know where to look.” Dixie and Johnny looked around, trying to find the source. At the diner’s counter, directly across from their booth, a being in a high tech Space Force uniform was seated, and swiveled slowly on the stool to reveal an attractive face with quite a few cyborgic modifications. The uniform revealed that she was a very high ranking member of the Force, a Master Commodore, and her face indicated that she was a human from Earth. 
“Sorry to interrupt,” the Commodore said, “I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation with the waitress. If you’re interested, I have quite a few connections that might be able to assist with whatever the… medical procedure… is that you need. Oh, and for the record, the closest thing to mozzarella sticks that they have on this planet is called ‘shoobord squasm’. It’s not great, but it’s close enough.” She stood and stepped over to their booth. Her boots thumped on the floor, shaking the diner, and revealing that at least parts of her legs were no longer human. If you listened carefully, you could hear piston-like sounds firing within the boots. 
“Master Commodore Earhart, Fifth Galactic Control Force,” she said, reaching out a mechanical hand to shake. Johnny looked intimidated, but took her hand anyway. Dixie looked smitten. 
“Johnny Go,” he said. “And this is my associate Dixie Doublestacks.” Dixie reached out her hand.
“We don’t have any titles,” Dixie muttered.
“Do you… want to sit with us?” Johnny asked. 
“Do I take it you’re interested in utilizing some of my connections?” she asked. 
“We’re interested in… yes…” Dixie said. 
“Well let me just grab my drink,” the Commodore said. She turned back to the counter and picked up a coffee cup, placed it on Dixie and Johnny’s table, and took a seat next to Dixie, who gave Johnny a wide-eyed grin. 
“So, drinking coffee?” Johnny asked, lamely. 
“Coffee with blackstrap molasses and gin,” she said. “It’s the only thing that keeps me going on long patrols.” 
“Are you on patrol now?” 
“No, but I’m on call, and there have been a lot of disturbances reported in the vicinity, so it’s in my best interest to stay alert.” She took a sip. “So what brings you two to this neck of the woods? I mean, other than illicit medical work?” 
“We’re currently on a sabbatical,” Dixie said. 
“From what?” 
“We run a business conglomerate on Earth.” 
“A business conglomerate. Sounds a little like bullshit to me.” 
“Oh, it is,” Johnny said. “In fact, we’re really not sure what we do or how it gets done, but whatever it is, it pays the bills.” 
“And it’s exhausting,” Dixie added. “So we needed a break.” As she said this, the waitress returned with their order. 
“Sig,” the Commodore said to the waitress, “Can you transfer my tab to this table?” 
“Sure thing, hon,” she said, “Want me to top ya off, too?” 
“That’d be great.” The waitress rolled off for the coffee pot. 
“So Master Commodore Earhart,” Johnny said, “we’re looking for someone who can perform an off the books medical procedure.” 
“First of all, why don’t you all call me Amelia.” 
“Sure Amelia…” Dixie trailed off. “Wait a minute!” 
“You have the same name as that lady!” Johnny practically shouted. 
“Are you her!?” The Commodore sighed. 
“I should have just let you keep calling me commodore,” she said. She took a deep breath. “Yes, I’m her.” 
“You’re the lady that invented canasta!” Dixie exclaimed. 
“Uh, no? What? That’s not even a thing-” 
“Oh my god, Dix! I’ve always dreamed of this day!” 
“No, listen, you guys,” she tried to get a word in, but Dixie and Johnny were on a roll and were too excited to stop. 
“Tell us how you did it!” 
“Did the idea come to you all at once, or did you work on it over time?” 
“Was it hard to get people to take you seriously?” 
“Who did you tell first?” 
“Guys!” she shouted. Her vaguely computer voice carried a lot more force at a lower volume than your average human voice. Dixie and Johnny stopped and looked at her. 
“You’re right in that you’ve heard the name Amelia Earhart before. But I literally have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about with canasta. I thought a guy in Uruguay invented that… Anyway, the reason you’ve heard my name before is that I was one of the first women pilots, and the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic.” 
“No, I’m pretty sure that’s not what we’re thinking of,” Dixie said. 
“Well, that is who I am,” Amelia said. 
“Yeah, but that’s not why we know you.” 
“I never heard about anyone flying across the Atlantic,” Johnny said. “And I think I’d know. I know how to fly a helicopter.” 
“Are you guys kidding? I ‘disappeared’ while trying to do an around the world flight in 1937. Surely you were taught that in history class? Everyone was.” 
“Not ringing a bell,” Dixie said. 
“But-” 
“If you disappeared, then why are you here? And how old are you?” Johnny asked, accusingly. 
“I was kidnapped.” 
“Oh, then you were that baby,” Johnny said. 
“No, you’re thinking of the Lindbergh baby. How come you guys know that story, but not mine?” 
“I’unno,” Dixie said with a shrug. Amelia shook her head and took another sip of coffee. 
“Ok well anyway, I was abducted when I landed on an island in the pacific. It was a group of leaders of the Intergalactic Space Force who had apparently been following my career since the beginning, and needed flying aces to help them win the Goger Wars.” 
“You expect us to believe that? You’d be like a billion years old by now.” 
“Did you not notice all of my cyborg parts?” She flexed her mechanical hands, then tapped them on her chest. A hollow sound echoed across the table. “Humans can’t stay in space very long without serious health consequences. If you’re looking to stay long term, you have to start swapping out some of your body parts with machine parts. At this point I’m about 76% cyborg.” 
“Huh.” Dixie took a drink of milkshake. “How long till that happens? Johnny and I have been in space for ages.” 
“It depends on the person, but you usually start to feel weakness after about six months.” 
“When did we get here?” Dixie asked Johnny. 
“I don’t know, it was right after we wrecked that space station,” Johnny said. 
“The Chinese one?” Amelia asked. “That was you?” 
“Uh… no…” said Johnny. 
“Yeah, it wasn’t us,” said Dixie, “And if anyone says it was, they’re a filthy anal blister that got popped on a-” 
“Ok ok, never mind,” said Amelia. 
“So how come you didn’t go back?” Johnny asked. “You’re still a hostage?” 
“No,” she said. “I mean, I was at first, but then I started to like it. I rose through the ranks pretty quickly, and eventually I realized that I was getting opportunities here that a woman would never get on Earth, so I just decided to stay. Plus, all the hot alien sex I was having here. I mean, Earth is so prude, you know?” 
“Tell me about it,” Johnny said. 
“You should’ve seen this weird anime planet were we on,” Dixie said. “More sex than we could handle.” 
“And we can handle a lot of sex,” Johnny said. 
“You ever been there?” 
“Can’t say that I have.” 
“It’s like, all sexy teens that look like cartoon characters and basically just live in harems all the time.” 
“Any kind of kink you can think of,” Dixie added. 
“Nonstop orgies til you ache.” 
“And you guys decided to leave?” Amelia asked. 
“Well, it turns out there is such a thing as too many orgies,” Dixie said. 
“Plus this weird sex cult was after us, and it got a little hairy,” Johnny said. “That’s how I ended up with this bionic eye.” He pointed to the ring around his eye and Amelia looked closely. 
“So that’s what that is,” she said, softy. “I’ve only ever heard about those. Never actually seen one. It’s really incredible.” 
“Well, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be,” said Johnny. “At first it was kinda cool, but now it’s sorta useless and it makes everyone ugly.” 
“Well, it’s probably not tuned for the frequencies of this part of the galaxy. If you had it updated, I bet it would be totally fine.” 
“Yeah, but I’m over it.” 
“That’s actually why we were looking for a medic,” said Dixie. “Johnny doesn’t want the eye anymore, but we think it might be a problem to just cut it out.” 
“So wait, you’re getting rid of the eye?” Amelia seemed shocked. 
“Yeah, I’m going to live a more natural life from now on,” Johnny said. “Except for the booze.” 
“Then I’ll buy it from you,” she said. 
“You want this thing?” Johnny asked. He seemed skeptical. Not Dixie, though. 
“How much?” she demanded. Amelia thought for a minute. 
“In places where they’re legal, they go for about twenty thousand bolos - that’s about half a million in Average Earth Dollars. They’re not legal here, so we’re talking black market prices, which would be about twice that.” 
“You’re willing to pay me a million bucks for this thing?” Johnny asked, incredulously. 
“Absolutely.” 
“Take us to this medic,” Johnny said, standing up from the booth. 

***

Dixie, Johnny, and Amelia Earhart stood in a dark alley in a seedy part of town. Amelia checked the number on the door and knocked three times. They waited. 
“It smells like burning rubber back here,” Dixie said. 
“The front of this building is a factory that makes parts for fighter ships,” Amelia told them. “We lose so many ships in the wars that they’re pretty much working around the clock to keep up with the demand.” She sighed and knocked again. This time there was a rustling around behind the door, and a small slit opened in it, revealing a pair of yellow eyes. 
“Password.” 
“Sixteen ten,” Amelia replied. The yellow eyes widened in recognition. 
“Commodore?” 
“Hello, Dallen.” Immediately the slit snapped shut and a series of locks could be heard turning on the other side of the door. When the door opened, a small man stood in the doorway, looking up at Amelia reverently. 
“Commodore, to what do we owe this unrivaled honor?” he asked, stepping back to let her pass. As he did, he noticed Dixie and Johnny standing next to her. “Commodore, you’ve brought others.” 
“That’s right, Dallen. I’ve brought some business. Can you tell The Regulator that I’m here?” 
“Yes, of course, Commodore,” Dallen said, nervously. “He will not be pleased to know that you did not notify him ahead of time that you would be bringing unknowns.” 
“I know,” she said, “But he’ll get over it when he sees what I brought, and how much we’re willing to pay him for his services.” Amelia stepped through the doorway and motioned for Dixie and Johnny to follow. Dallen sighed and waved them forward, then closed and locked the door behind them. They stood in a dark hallway that was lit only by a bare red bulb. After locking the door, Dallen led the way down the hallway. 
“Follow me,” he said. “You can wait in The Regulator’s outer chamber while I let him know that you’re here. 
“I’ll come in with you and explain,” Amelia said. 
“He won’t like that, Commodore. You should tell me what your visit is in regards to and I’ll relay that message to him.” 
“Dallen, give me a break. I’ve been doing business with The Reg longer than you’ve been alive, and I’m one of the few people left who actually served with him in the Insurrection. Just take me to him and I’ll handle it.” They reached a narrow metal staircase leading down beneath the building. Dallen shrugged. 
“Fine, just know that it’s my ass on the line here. He might be ok with you, but he takes any breach in security protocol out on me.” 
“Dallen, fuck. I got this, ok? Stop being such a stresser.” At the bottom of the steps they stopped in front of a heavy metal door with a handprint access panel. Dallen placed his hand on it and the door slid open silently. He stepped aside once again and let them all pass. Inside, they found themselves in a room that resembled the waiting room of a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon’s office. It was richly but tastefully decorated, and looked like a feature in an interior decorating magazine. They were the only people there. Dallen went to the far wall and pressed a buzzer. Another door slid open and he left the waiting area. 
“What the hell is this place?” Johnny asked. 
“The medical offices of The Regulator,” Amelia said. 
“Damn, Johnny. This is way more posh than when you got the eye,” Dixie said. 
“Where did you get the eye?” Amelia asked. 
“In the back chamber of a sex cave on the anime planet,” Johnny replied. “Some guys from a motorcycle sex gang put it in for me.” 
“Seriously? I’m surprised you’re still alive,” Amelia said. Johnny shrugged. 
“They seemed to know what they were doing. I mean, they all had them.” 
“You mean there is a whole planet out there with people who have this tech?” 
“Uh huh.” 
“What a waste. I mean, I’m generally ok with people doing what it takes for great sex, but this really does seem like something that’s being underutilized if all you’re using it for is fucking.” She trailed off. 
“So what’s the deal with this place?” Dixie asked. “It looks super legit. Why is it in the basement of a factory?” 
“The Regulator was a Space Force combat medic who retired from service after being catastrophically injured. If the Force had approved some of the more cutting edge interventions, he would have been totally fine to return to active duty, but they’re still a little behind the times. Nothing as pathetic as the military on Earth, obviously, but still a bit dated. Anyway, he recovered enough to go back to practicing medicine. Since he wasn’t allowed back in the Force, he had to go into private practice, which is pretty boring. That’s why he dedicated his work to providing soldiers with the technological medical solutions they need on an… unofficial basis. Military modifications make up about half the work he does here. The other half is weird cosmetic shit for bored housewives. Hence the posh lobby.” 
“Housewives is for the money?” Johnny asked. 
“You know it.” 
“So why was Dallen freaking out about you bringing us here?” 
“Eh, he’s really particular about who he works with and how he takes referrals. He’s providing a great service to the Force, but it’s still illegal. It’s a delicate balance to make sure the top brass doesn’t find out. I get it. But as I said, I’ve known The Reg since he was active duty, so he knows I’m not going to do anything to put his operation at risk. Dallen is just doing his job.” 
“He seems like a weiner,” Dixie said. 
“Yeah, he is.” 
They sat there for a while in silence. Dixie flipped through a magazine that claimed to possess more than a hundred ways to keep a man satisfied. Every few seconds she snorted and giggled at the suggestions. 
“Make his favorite meal,” she said under her breath. “Sure, and then shove it up his ass when you’re done.” 
Finally, the door opened and Dallen returned. He looked at Amelia. 
“Commodore, if you can come this way, The Regulator will see you. Your guests need to wait here for the time being.” 
“Oh for godssake,” Amelia said, standing up and stomping over to the door. “Fine. Guys, I’m sorry about this. Wait here just a sec and I’ll be right back.” As she stepped through the door, Dixie and Johnny heard her shout to The Regulator. 
“Broderick, you fuck! I appreciate all your precautions, but I’ve got a fucking bionic eye out here that’ll make your goddamn dreams come true, and-” The door slid shut and they didn’t hear the rest. It must have worked, though, because within seconds the door reopened and Amelia appeared with a large man in a crisp, white medical coat. He limped severely on one side, and had something resembling a crater on the left side of his head. Nevertheless, he looked intelligent and capable. 
“Dixie, Johnny,” Amelia said, “This is Captain Abelard Broderick, also known as The Regulator. He’s the best medic in this galaxy. Reg, this is Johnny Go and Dixie Doublestacks. I ran into them at Mossy’s Diner and we got to talking. Johnny has a piece of tech that he’s looking to get rid of, and it’s something you and I have been looking for for a long, long time. I’ve gone ahead and bought it from him, so we just need you to get in there and remove it.” 
Smiling a lopsided smile, The Regulator took a step forward and shook hands heartily with Dixie, and then with Johnny. As he shook Johnny’s hand, he looked closely at the metal ring around his eye. He let out a low whistle.
“Oh boy, A.E.,” he said. “You weren’t kidding. This is the real deal! Dallen, tell Taka to prep room four.” Across the room, Dallen pouted and slunk away to do as he was told. Amelia looked at Dixie and Johnny. 
“I fucking told that guy,” she said. The Reg put his arm across Johnny’s shoulder and led him toward the door. 
“So Johnny, tell me about this bionic eye…” 

***

Johnny Go was laying down on a table in a pristine exam room. Dixie and Amelia sat on chairs off to one side, while The Reg and several assistants hovered over Johnny, finishing up the procedure to remove the bionic eye. Once the ring had been removed, The Reg placed it on a sterile tray and carried it over to a table with a bright light and a type of magnifying glass mounted to it. He placed it under the glass and motioned for Amelia to come and take a look. 
“This is really something,” he said. “I mean, on the surface it clearly does what Johnny says it does. It’s set up work the way this gang was using it and not a whole lot more. That’s primitive, but not really unexpected given where he got it. But when you really look into this tech, there’s a whole world of possibilities that haven’t been activated.” 
“Central cerebral control functions?” Amelia asked. 
“Absolutely. It has insight capabilities, too. And this here,” he pointed to a notch in the outer edge of the ring, “I think can be modified to connect with a ship or even a weapons console. This could be a game changer.”  
“Excellent,” Amelia said. “Disinfect that fuck and get it in me.” 
“A.E., I know you want this, and I know you paid for it, but allow me to propose an alternative plan.” 
“Reg, if you’re trying to screw me out of this bionic eye, I will murder you and get away with it.” Amelia looked quite threatening. 
“No way, I would never dream of it. But let me ask you this: Would you rather have one bionic eye, or two?” 
“I’m listening.” 
“Give me a few days. A week, tops. I think I can reverse engineer this sucker. If I can, not only will you have two bionic eyes, but you and I will be partners in a business that produces the most sought after tech on the black market.” 
“Fifty-fifty?” Amelia asked. 
“Absolutely.” 
“Wait a minute,” Dixie interrupted, standing up and marching over to where they were standing. “You guys are gonna get rich off of this? What do Johnny and I get? We brought it to you.” 
“I literally transferred a million bucks to you on the ride over here,” Amelia said. 
“But that’s a one time thing. Johnny had a surgery in a cave done by some sex perverts in order to get this tech. If this is a game changer, like you say, everyone’s gonna want it and they’re gonna keep paying you for it. I think he should get a piece of this cash cow.” 
“Fine,” said The Reg. “Ten percent of each sale.” 
“Deal,” said Dixie. “We’ll leave you the wiring instructions for our corporate account.” She sat down again. 
“That was easy,” The Reg said. He turned to Amelia. “A.E., to make up the difference, I’ll give you ten percent on any surgical fees I pick up, and twenty on fees from referrals.” 
“That works for me,” Amelia said, shaking hands with The Reg. 
Across the room, the assistants were helping Johnny to sit up. His eye was swollen shut. One of the assistants held out an eyepatch. 
“Mr. Go, you’re going to need to wear this eyepatch until the glue on the incision peels off, which it’ll do as soon as it’s properly healed. In the meantime, you should try not to get sweaty. Can you refrain from doing any exercise or anything strenuous for the next week or so?” 
“Prolly not a problem…” Johnny slurred. He was still a little out of it. The assistant turned to Dixie. 
“Obviously he shouldn’t drive for a while. Not only is his depth perception non existent, concentrating on anything with the other eye is going to give him a headache. 
“Yeah yeah,” Dixie said, walking over to Johnny. “I’ll do the driving for a while.” She helped him to his feet. They linked arms, and with Johnny staggering, left the room. 

***

Dixie and Johnny were once again cruising through the galaxy. Johnny was still a little out of it, and was still wearing his eyepatch. He reclined in the passenger seat of their spaceship with his feet up on the dashboard and sipped another soleberry milkshake through a straw. He hummed the theme song from Welcome Back Kotter to himself. 
Dixie sat in the driver’s seat, but as they exclusively used the autopilot feature, she wasn’t actually doing the driving. She wasn’t even facing forward. Instead, she sat sideways, facing Johnny with her feet flopped over the arm of the chair. 
“I can’t believe we got a million bucks!” she exclaimed. “And hopefully a steady stream of more money coming in once they learn how to make more of those eye rings.” 
“Yeah, we just got so fucking lucky. We still gotta call Chichay and ask her to get that jerkass accountant to set it up for us, but Dix, I don’t think we’ll need to work again.” They high fived across the center console. It was funny that they thought they actually did any work. 
“I think this calls for a celebration,” Dixie said, cracking the top of a bottle of tequila. “What do you wanna do?” 
“I’m kinda hungry,” Johnny said. “These soleberry shakes are good and all, but I think I might need some actual food. Like meat or something.” 
“Good idea. Let’s go somewhere fancy. We’re millionaires now!” 
“Yeah!” said Johnny. He sat up and looked at the navigation. “Where are we right now?” 
“Uh, looks like we’re just past the Van Reuben Zone,” Dixie said, looking at the map. “There’s some nice stuff near there I think.” 
“Damn, we’re getting pretty close to the outer reaches. How long have we been flying?” 
“A few hours, I think. I don’t know. I nodded off,” Dixie said. “Hey, isn’t that famous restaurant out there?” 
“Which one?” 
“The one that’s at that vortex. You know, where all times converge or whatever?” 
“Oh! The Restaurant at the End of the Universe!” 
“Yeah! That’s the one! It’s really high end, I think. Rich people go there to watch the universe end every night.” 
“Well, it’s not too high end for a coupla millionaires,” Johnny declared. He reached forward and updated the navigation. As the ship began to change course, he and Dixie both leaned back in their seats, savoring their new social status. They both nodded off again. 

***

Several hours later, Dixie and Johnny sat in the parking lot of the famous Restaurant at the End of the Universe, so called because it was situated at the convergence of all time cycles, in which the circular nature of time was at its most evident, and the birth and death of the entire universe could be witnessed by patrons over and over again while they dined on locally sourced, ethically produced, farm to table fare. 
Dixie and Johnny were fuming. They had arrived at the restaurant and attempted to get a table, only to be told that they did not meet the establishment’s dress code. They were both still wearing their space pirate jumpsuits, they were visibly drunk, and blood had begun to ooze from beneath Johnny’s eyepatch. But that shouldn’t have mattered. 
Despite insisting that they were now millionaires, they were told that there were no tables available. When Dixie threatened to sodomize the hostess with one of the menus and began waving a candelabra around, some burly security personnel were called and they were escorted back to their ship. 
“You know, Dix,” Johnny said, “I think this is just what happens in a place like this when you’re new money.” 
“Well, they’re gonna be sorry,” Dixie said, throwing an empty bottle across the parking lot, and hitting a teenage valet in the back. “You work on commission, assholes?” 
“He probably works for tips,” Johnny said. 
“Big mistake!” screamed Dixie. 
“The way I see it is we have enough money that we can take our time and plot our revenge. But in the meantime, I’m still feeling like celebrating. What do you say?” 
“I guess. You sure you don’t want to just burn the restaurant down?” 
“Maybe, but not until we get in there and stick our millions of dollars in their faces.” Johnny was quiet for a moment. “I saw a liquor store deli type place up the street. Wanna go grab some food and watch it from that overlook up there?” He pointed to a cliff that was situated next to, but slightly above, the restaurant. It promised much the same view as the restaurant. 
“Why not,” Dixie said, hopping off the hood of the ship and walking toward the driver’s side door. “I guess that’s more our speed, anyway. You think they have that thing Amelia told us about? Almost mozzarella sticks?” 
“Only one way to find out.” 

***

Dixie and Johnny sat on the hood of the ship again, this time in a small grassy area overlooking the convergence. From there they had a perfect view of the very core of the universe, where all time existed at once, and in infinity. They had a bag of various sandwiches between them on the hood of the ship, along with several six packs and a couple of bottles of malt liquor. 
As they ate, they watched the universe swirl in a constant display of its own birth and death. Lights of all colors flashed, lighting up the sky as the universe was born, then disappearing into a black so dark that no light escaped as the universe died. The farthest reaches of space folded into the center of the universe over and over, circling in and out, never ending. At the center was a storm, constantly churning and providing the power needed for the endless march of time. 
Dixie and Johnny, for once, were in awe. They sat in silence, watching and quietly eating their dinner, each lost in thought. Finally, Dixie spoke. 
“It’s like everything you want from fireworks, but not annoying.” 
“Yeah, like the good parts of New Year’s Eve celebrations.” 
“Right, but without the pressure to have fun.” They were quiet again for a while. 
“How was that sandwich?” Dixie asked. 
“Eh, it’s no chicken parm, but I feel way better now.” 
“I do kinda miss chicken parm,” Dixie said. “Is it possible that chicken parm is the only good thing about Earth?” 
“I think it is, actually,” Johnny said. 
“Do we have to go back there?” 
“Maybe,” said Johnny. “But not yet. I’m enjoying this too much.” They leaned back on the windshield of the ship and had soon nodded off, lulled to sleep by beer, and the comfort of the certainty of time. 

***

Dixie blinked awake a few hours later. She looked over at Johnny, who was still asleep, clutching a sandwich. Reaching for a beer bottle, Dixie poked Johnny in the ribs. He startled awake, and was looking directly into the universe’s light show as he did. 
“Man, that’s so fucking cool.” 
“I know, right?” 
“You know what the shape of the universe reminds me of?” Johnny asked. 
“Huh?” 
“One of those water weenies.” 
“Oh yeah, those rubber things with the water in them?” 
“Uh huh.” 
“Totally.” Dixie munched on another sandwich. Johnny sat up and reached for a sandwich, as well. Finally, Dixie spoke again. 
“You know what that storm in the middle reminds me of?” 
“What?” 
“Remember that old cartoon Heathcliff?” 
“The junkyard cat?” 
“Yeah. When the cats and dogs would get in a fight, it was always a dust cloud and just random legs and tails sticking out as they fought.” 
“That’s exactly what this looks like.”
 “I always wondered what it would be like to be inside that,” Dixie said. 
“Well, let’s go find out.” 
“You think we can get in there?” 
“Yeah, we’ll take those little emergency floaty things from inside the ship.”   

***

Dixie and Johnny had strapped themselves into two of the emergency personal escape devices found on board their ship. These were intended to save the lives of passengers should the ship experience a catastrophic system failure while between planetary systems. They were not meant to be used as jet packs. And yet… 
“Do you think we need the helmets?” Dixie asked. 
“Don’t they have that shit that helps you breath in ‘em?” Johnny replied. 
“Oxygen?” 
“Yeah, that.” 
“Probably. They just look so dumb.” Dixie lowered the helmet onto her head. The glass of the visor distorted her face and made her look like a grinning moon. Johnny turned and laughed loudly when he saw her. 
“Shut up!” she said. “You’ll look just as stupid in yours!” Johnny put on his own helmet, and sure enough, he looked ridiculous. His face looked like a balloon that had been blown up too much. 
“Is it bad?” he asked. 
“No comment. Ok, how do we fire these things up?” 
“I think there’s a power button on the side, and then these arm dealies are how you steer.” He held out the steering controls, which came over the shoulders of the pack and could be held just above waist level. “The real question is, can we carry enough booze?” 
“I have that backpack from the ship. I thought I could strap it to my front.” 
“Perfect.” They got themselves all strapped in and ready to go. Dixie got the booze bag strapped on, and they seemed to be ready. 
“So what do we do? Just fire these up and head straight up?” she asked. 
“I think we gotta hit it at sixty degrees to actually make it out of the atmosphere.” Johnny fiddled with some controls on the handles. “Oh cool, there’s like a little navigation thing that pops up on the inside of the helmet.” 
“Is it better than the one you were getting from your bionic eye?” 
“Way better.” He paused for a minute. “Wait, can you hear me on this little microphone thing?” 
“Yeah, actually, I can.” 
“Ok, I think I figured this out. Let’s go.” 
Dixie and Johnny stood side by side and powered up their packs. As they engaged the throttle, they began to lift up off of the ground. They hovered for a few moments before Johnny signaled to Dixie and with a roar, they blasted up and out of the planet’s atmosphere, heading directly toward the center of the universe. 

***

The total trip to the center of the universe took about an hour. During that time, they both sang I’m Henry the Eighth, I Am as loud as they could, through the communication devices. Eventually they grew quiet. 
“What do you think we’ll find in there?” Johnny asked. 
“Well, it’s the center, right?” Dixie replied. “So whatever’s in there is probably what, like, runs the whole universe.” 
“Wow,” Johnny said, “And we’re about to see it. This really has been a great day.” 
“How many people get to say that they became millionaires and saw the center of the universe in the same day?” 
“We’re so fucking cool.” 
A short while later they started their descent into the maelstrom. The winds were strong, and they were thrashed back and forth as they headed toward the center. Large electrical charges, in a rainbow of colors, flashed on all sides. Their hair stood on end as the electricity wrapped around them like a lasso. The communication devices grew staticky, like a poor connection on an old phone line. 
“Dix, let’s stay as close together as we can. I don’t know what we’re gonna land on, but it’d suck to be separated.” 
“I’m gonna try to hook this booze bag onto your pack,” Dixie shouted, trying to position herself closer to Johnny. A huge gust of wind, full of large particles and icy cold, blasted them both to the right. Fortunately, it blew Dixie directly into Johnny, but they were no longer on a steady course. She managed to tie herself to Johnny just as another gust sent them into a corkscrew spin. 
“This is kinda like a carnival!” Dixie screamed. 
“Yeah but colder!” They continued to spin, spiraling downward until they finally fell through the bottom of the storm. 

***

They were immediately in a freefall, heading toward what looked like solid ground. It took a few moments for the engines in the packs to recalibrate to the atmosphere. Once they did, they righted themselves and their descent slowed. Dixie and Johnny looked at one another and laughed. They’d made it. 
They finally touched down on a small disc of land. It was smooth and black, and rotated slowly at the center of the storm. All around them, the storm raged, but the disc itself was surprisingly quiet. The winds didn’t seem to reach it. Johnny pressed some buttons and looked intently at the screen in his helmet. 
“Hey Dix,” he said over the microphone communicator, “I think this is regular air here.” Johnny released the clasp that held the helmet down and lifted it off his head. He took a deep breath and nodded, giving Dixie the thumbs up. She popped her own helmet off and breathed deeply.
“Fuck yeah!” 
“That was fucking intense,” Johnny said, “I wasn’t sure what was gonna happen there for a sec.” Dixie immediately began fiddling with the booze bag and pulled out a bottle. She cracked the top and took a long drink, then passed it to Johnny. 
“So now what?” she asked as Johnny drank. 
“I don’t know,” he said, “I guess we should just walk around and see what the deal is.” They started walking toward the edge of the disc they were standing on. 
“So this thing is flat,” Dixie mused, “And it’s just kinda floating here. What do you think happens when we get to the edge?” 
“Good question. I mean, it looked like we’re in a sphere, right? Does the space underneath us look the same?” 
“I guess we’ll find out.” They reached the edge of the disc and peered over the edge. As they did, a force reached up and grabbed them. They were pulled over the edge. Dixie screamed, and Johnny was about to, when the same force righted them on the other side of the disc. They stood there, standing upright, and stared at one another. 
“Dude.” 
“What the fuck was that?” 
“Are we upside down?” 
“I don’t think so.” They took a few tentative steps forward. Everything seemed ok. They kept walking. 
“What brings you here, strangers?” a voice asked. Dixie and Johnny whirled around in a full circle. They saw nothing by the edge of the disc on all sides. “Look up.” 
They did. Above them, hovering, was a gigantic snake. It rotated slowly, its body in a perfect circle with its tail in its mouth. It was an Ouroboros. Dixie and Johnny stared, speechless. 
“What brings you here, strangers?” the snake asked again. Both Dixie and Johnny realized that it hadn’t actually spoken. It’s tail remained firmly in its mouth. 
“Johnny,” Dixie whispered, “I can hear it.” 
“Me too.” 
“Is this what it’s like when animals talk to you?” 
“Kinda,” Johnny replied, “But when animals do it, it’s like, way less freaky.” 
“What brings you here, strangers?” the snake asked a third time. 
“Uh,” Johnny stammered, “We just wanted to see what was in here.” 
“We…” Dixie started. “Heathcliff cartoons…” 
“I know not what that means,” the snake said. “Did you come here to seek enlightenment?” 
“Us? No way.” 
“What, then?” 
“Well, we were sitting on the overlook up there watching this whole storm thing happen, and we just wanted to know what was on the inside of it.” 
“Honest, that’s all,” Dixie added. 
“I hope that’s ok?” 
“Usually people come here seeking answers,” the snake said. “They want to know the secrets of the universe, the meaning of life, their purpose.” Dixie and Johnny said nothing. “You do not seek any of these things?” 
“Nah,” said Johnny. 
“Yeah, we’re pretty content, actually.” 
“We became millionaires today,” Johnny said, “And I got rid of this annoying bionic eye that I had.” 
“Also, we finally got the Trout Mob off our backs,” Dixie said. 
“And we were on a sabbatical from our company,” Johnny said. 
“But since we became millionaires, we probably don’t have to work again.” 
“So you… seek no knowledge?” the snake asked. Dixie and Johnny shook their heads. “You have no quest?” 
“Not really?” 
“Then what is your purpose?” 
“Right now?” Johnny asked. 
“Yes.” 
“Partying, I guess.” Johnny reached out to Dixie, who handed him a bottle of malt liquor from the booze bag. Within moments, they were very drunk. The atmosphere here definitely had a different impact on their tolerance. 
For the next several hours, Dixie and Johnny drank and sang and danced around the small, smooth disc of land as the Ouroboros circled silently above them. Eventually Johnny flopped down on the ground. Dixie followed, and the two of them stretched out on the ground, staring up at the snake. 
“Hey snake,” Johnny asked, “What’s your purpose?” 
“To maintain the universe,” the snake replied. 
“Is that it?” Dixie asked. 
“It is the most important job in the universe,” the snake said. “Without me, there is no order. Chaos reigns. I am the core.” 
“Sounds boring,” Dixie said. 
“It… what?” 
“Well, do you ever get to take a break?” Johnny asked. 
“I do not require a break. I was made for this.” 
“Have you ever had a break?” 
“No.” 
“How long have you been doing this?” 
“For all of eternity.” At that, Dixie and Johnny sat up and looked at the snake incredulously. 
“So this is all you do, and this is all you’ve ever done?” Johnny asked. 
“You never took a break?” Dixie asked. “You never went to a party or, like, boned another sexy snake?”
“I am the only snake. I am the Ouroboros,” the snake replied. 
“You never drank a beer?” Johnny asked. 
“I do not know what that is.” Dixie and Johnny dropped back onto the ground. They looked shocked and depressed. 
“Johnny,” Dixie said, “I feel really sad for this snake.” 
“I know,” said Johnny, “me too.” He cracked open another beer and was about to take a sip when he paused. 
“Hey snake,” Johnny said, “you want some of this?” 
“I cannot,” the snake replied. 
“Oh come on, just a sip.” 
“Yeah, try it.” 
“One little sip won’t kill ya.” 
“You been running this universe since the beginning of time, I’m pretty sure it’ll manage to keep running while you take just a little sip and see how great beer is.” 
They kept on like this, peer pressuring the snake, for the better part of the next three hours. Finally, the snake’s defenses were completely worn down and it was unable to remember what was real, or a point before Dixie and Johnny had dropped down into its reality. 
“Fine,” it said, defeated. Dixie and Johnny stood up and cheered. They grabbed a bottle of beer and popped the top, reaching up toward the snake’s mouth. It took the snake a moment to figure out how to proceed, but finally it removed its tail from it’s mouth, inserted the top of the beer bottle, and swallowed. 
The next instant, everything changed. The snake’s body began to writhe and convulse in the space above the disc of land. Its tail thrashed about, narrowly missing Dixie and Johnny’s heads as it passed low to the ground. A sound, like that of all the thunderstorms in the universe happening at once, rang out around them, causing Dixie and Johnny’s ears to ring and the pressure to build in their chests. 
A scream came from the snake. At first it was a scream that Dixie and Johnny heard only in their minds, but then it became louder and louder until they realized they were hearing it with their ears, as well. The ground they stood on began to tremble, and the storm clouds that had made up the constantly churning sky above them suddenly came to a halt. Dixie and Johnny looked at one another, unsure what to do. 
Still screaming in pain, the snake opened its mouth wide, unhinging its jaw. For a moment, it looked like it was trying to fit its tail back inside, but in the next instant, with a sound that numbed their very souls, a swarm of bees exited the snake’s mouth. 
The bees continued in an endless cloud, thousands upon thousands of them. They were huge bees, black and yellow, with stingers the same length of their bodies and teeth, too. They flew from the snake’s mouth and circled the atmosphere of the center of the universe. When all of the bees had exited the snake’s mouth, the swarm took off through the calming clouds. The buzzing could be heard, getting only slightly softer as they gained distance. 
When the last bee was no longer visible, the snake shuddered. It stopped thrashing, twisting, and hovering, and dropped to the floating land disc, dead. Dixie and Johnny backed away slowly from it, pulling their helmets down as they did. They fired up the packs and flew away. They never looked back.