XI: Too Many Monkeys

“Dix, have you seen my cigarettes?” The shifty and eccentric Johnny Go rifled through the drawers in the kitchen of the ranch house while his beautiful and psychotic sidekick Dixie Doublestacks sat at the table sipping a bottle of Boone’s Fuzzy Navel through a twisty straw in the shape of Vishnu. It was ten o’clock in the morning. 
“Yeah, I think one of the monkeys took ‘em,” she replied. Johnny turned and looked at her. 
“How?” 
“They keep getting in here,” Dixie said with a shrug. 
“Great, I’m gonna have to break out my last carton of Kreteks,” Johnny headed down the hall toward a large oil painting entitled “A Tijuana Christmas”. The painting was on hinges, and Johnny opened it up, revealing a safe in the wall. It wasn’t locked, but close enough. Johnny pulled the safe open.  
“AH!” he screamed as a small black and white monkey jumped out at him. It had torn open the cigarette carton and several packs and was clutching them in its fists. The monkey had one lit cigarette in its mouth, and a cloud of smoke billowed out of the safe when the door opened. 
The monkey landed on Johnny’s shoulder, and he attempted to yank the cigarette packs out of its hands. He got one, but the monkey clutched the other tightly and jumped down to the ground. Dixie stepped out of the kitchen in time to see the monkey take off down the hallway toward the back door. Johnny chased after it. 
As the monkey passed the kitchen, Dixie jumped on it, tackling it and pinning it to the floor. Johnny’s momentum carried him down the hallway and he landed on top of Dixie and the monkey with a thump. The monkey squirmed and clawed to try to get away from them, but was stuck. 
“Gimme the smokes, you little shit!” Johnny screamed as he attempted to reach under Dixie and get the by now very mangled cigarette pack away from the monkey. After a lot of struggling, he eventually succeeded, but in doing so, allowed the monkey to escape. It jumped up from the floor and raced out the back door, and was across the lawn, heading toward the barn before Dixie and Johnny had gotten to their feet. 
“I don’t know what’s going on in that monkey habitat,” Johnny said, lighting one of the cigarettes. “That monkey just kept saying that he’d be in trouble if he didn’t pay Riff.” 
“Who the fuck is Riff?” Dixie asked as they headed back into the kitchen. She poured off half of her Boone’s into a glass for Johnny. 
“I’unno. Some monkey, I guess. I can’t keep ‘em straight anymore. The real question is why are they paying him in cigarettes?” 
“I thought we were very clear that this wasn’t a prison situation,” Dixie said. “Just because they aren’t allowed out of the habitat, doesn’t mean they’re prisoners.”  
“Yeah, I keep telling ‘em to think of it more like college,” said Johnny, sitting down at the kitchen table. “But if they wanna run the place like a prison, fine. They just can’t keep coming in here and stealing my smokes.” 
“What’s next, our booze?” Dixie asked. Johnny looked genuinely concerned. 
“We’re gonna have to see what’s going on out there.” 
“Ok,” agreed Dixie, “But let’s eat something first.” 

***

That afternoon the entire Shazbot Industries staff was gathered in the dining room for their traditional Sunday Lunch. It had been the Troubadour brothers’ turn to cook, so several gigantic pots of chili sat on the table, along with cornbread, rice, and various fixins. Several of the staff were drinking, but most were not, as they had work to do later that day. 
Chichay Milano and Sweaty Mulligan had a big night ahead at their successful chain of deep fry restaurants, Certain Doom. Chichay’s formal training as an assassin had conditioned her to never partake of alcohol anyway. Sweaty was an occasional time traveler, and preferred to remain in control for that reason. 
Johnson Troubadour and his brother Wang Chung Troubadour, along with the team’s orangutan chauffeur-turned-ranch hand, Sharif, had to return to the pastures after lunch to round up a number of cattle that were to be sent off to the slaughterhouse. “Slaughter Sundays,” as they referred to them, were always a cause for celebration, however as recovering addicts, the Troubadours opted to celebrate by eating, rather than drinking. Later, Sharif would sit on the porch of the cabin he shared with the two ranch hands and quietly sip a bottle of brandy. 
Rex Ponticello had a big night ahead of him flashing shoppers at the local mall under the guise of “Papa Teresa”, which in no way prevented him from drinking. He signaled for Bo, Dixie and Johnny’s helper monkey, to bring him another beer, which he did with gusto, clapping his hands as Rex slammed it down. 
And Dixie and Johnny’s newest companion, Tork, mostly hung around the house vacuuming and doing laundry when he wasn’t accompanying them on their various misadventures, so he was drinking, as well. He was enjoying this life of little responsibility and almost no consequence for his actions. Plus, the food on the ranch was excellent. 
“It’s what?” Chichay asked, helping herself to another bowl of chili. 
“It's a hippo eating a baby,” Dixie replied. 
“And the baby is covered in glitter?” 
“Yeah,” Dixie said, “When a hippo eats a baby, glitter comes out. It's magical.” 
“Uh huh,” Chichay said. “And what do you plan on doing with this?” 
“We’ll probably just-” Johnny was cut off by the sound of a gunshot. The entire team turned and looked toward the backyard. 
“What the hell was that?” Sweaty asked. He stood up and started toward the back door. 
“Gunshot. Small calibre,” Chichay said, getting up as well. The Troubadour brothers also rose. 
“Yeah, but Dixie and Johnny are in here,” Johnson said, pointing. 
“Which means it was the monkeys,” Wang Chung said. He followed the others out the back door. Sharif shoveled another huge spoonful of chili into his mouth, then got up and left the dining room. 
“Should we go with them and help?” Tork asked. He remained at the table with Dixie, Johnny, and Rex, but looked torn over whether or not he should go with the others. 
“Meh,” said Dixie, cracking another beer and cutting herself a huge piece of cornbread. “They’ve got it under control.” 
“But they’re your monkeys,” he said. 
“So?” 
“Well, if your monkeys are shooting at one another, isn’t it your responsibility to stop them?” Tork asked. 
“Hey!” shouted Johnny, “Let’s go watch tv!” 

***

Chichay, Sweaty, Johnson, Wang Chung, and Sharif stood over the body of a monkey in the middle of the lawn. A gunshot wound was visible in its forehead, and it wore an expression of shock, with its eyes staring open in surprise. 
“Is it me, or does this monkey look a little like some kind of 50s greaser?” Sweaty asked. 
“Yeah, his hair seems to be slicked back,” Johnson said. 
“Where are they getting hair product?” asked Wang Chung. 
“Same place they’re getting the gun,” said Chichay, “Which is now what we’re gonna have to figure out, even though it’s absolutely not our responsibility.” 
“Wait,” said Sweaty, “You’re right. It’s really not. Why don’t we just leave this be? Once enough monkeys are killed, Dixie and Johnny will be forced to deal with it or else it’ll ruin their precious project.” 
“That would be all well and good if they were only sneaking around stealing our pomade,” said Chichay, “But I don’t think we can run the risk of stray bullets flying all over the ranch.” 
“Oh yeah. I hadn’t thought of that.” 
“You’re right, though, Sweaty. There’s no reason for us to babysit this project anymore. Let’s try to get whatever weapons they have away from them, and then we’ll make Dixie and Johnny get them out of here. There’s no reason they can’t start this project. They have over a thousand monkeys now.” 
“One thousand fifteen,” said Johnson. 
“Minus this dead one,” Wang Chung added. 
“Also, we haven’t checked lately, but some more might have been born.” 
“Whatever!” cried Chichay in exasperation. “Let’s just try to get them to stop killing each other long enough to get them off on a boat or a plane or whatever’s going to take them away from here. Sharif, can you go to both the habitats and try to figure out what’s going on?” 
Sharif nodded and ambled off toward one of the barns. 
“Johnson, Wang Chung, take this dead monkey out to the little pet cemetery and bury it.” Chichay turned and headed back toward the house.  
“Should we make a grave marker?” Wang Chung asked after her. 
“Whatever paints your wagon, guys,” she called over her shoulder and kept walking. Sweaty turned and followed her. The Troubadours reached down and lifted the monkey. 
“These guys are a lot heavier than they look,” Johnson said as they staggered across the lawn. 

***

Inside the barn that housed about half of the monkeys, Sharif paused by the door and looked around. It seemed reasonably peaceful in there, aside from a few squabbles likely due to romance, and a game of soccer going on in one corner. A group of monkeys was gathered around the TV in what they considered to be the barn’s day room. Sharif headed there first to press them for information.  
As he approached the TV, he could see that the monkeys were captivated. He looked at each of them in turn, but none took their eyes off the TV to acknowledge him. Finally, Sharif turned to the TV to see what they were watching. 
He saw what appeared to be a monkey riding on a skateboard, escaping from some kind of film set. Sharif watched as, inexplicably, several grown men chased the monkey, but were unable to catch him. Sharif looked again at the audience. 
“What the fuck is this crap?” he asked. One of the monkeys, a small rhesus macaque named Helen, turned and looked at him. 
“Oh, hi Sharif. We’re watching Monkey Up again. Wanna join us?” She patted a crate next to her, motioning for Sharif to sit down. He declined with a shake of his head. Another monkey, capuchin named Shazam, turned and glared at him. 
“It’s not crap!” he growled. “And if you can’t respect our movie choices, you can get the fuck out of here. Traitor.” 
“Is this what you guys do all day? Watch this crap?” Sharif chose his words deliberately. Several monkeys turned and glared at him as he said this. 
“It’s not crap!” insisted Shazam, somewhat hysterically. 
“It's a human-talking monkey, acting like a bastard. This is just human culture parading around as monkey culture. Why aren’t you watching actual monkey productions?” 
“You're one to talk, human lover,” a monkey named Graziella said. Sharif ignored this, but she continued, “And anyway. That's exactly what those Downs say to us.” 
“Downs?” 
“The monkeys in the other barn.” 
“What, they're, like, a gang or something?” 
“Well, we call everyone who lives there a Downs. But there's a gang, too.”
“Just like here. We're the Ups. As in the Monkey Ups.” 
“So that's what you're fighting about? They don't like this movie? And you made gangs because of it? Who cares?!” 
“It’s more that they’re being intolerant assholes about it,” said a monkey named Minnie. “Just yesterday, Baby John was talking about how great the skateboard scene is and those guys jumped him. Beat him up pretty bad.” 
“And Baby John is so little,” whined a tiny squirrel monkey named Pauline who obviously had a crush on him. 
“So you retaliated? Is that why we just found that dead guereza on the lawn?” 
“We had to. We can't let that go,” Shazam said. “That’s what Riff and the other Ups are here for. To protect our way of life.” 
“Protect your - you’re a bunch of monkeys who signed up to work as typists. You’re living in a barn. In Texas! What way of life are you talking about?” Shazam stood up and faced Sharif, trying to draw himself up as big as possible in the face of the large orangutan. He didn’t really succeed. 
“Judge all you want, traitor,” he said. “But this is our heritage now.” 
“And this guy Riff is protecting your heritage? In exchange for what, cigarettes? That why you all keep breaking into the ranch house?” 
“We monkeys have to stick together,” said Shazam. 
“But you killed another monkey!” 
“Eye for an eye,” grunted Shazam. 
“Hardly,” said Sharif. “Listen, I’m telling you right now to put a lid on this shit. We can't have stray gunfire on the property. And you know that as crazy and you act, there are a couple of people in that house who are crazier.” With that, Sharif turned and stalked out of the barn. 

***

“This movie’s all we got,” said Riff. He stood in the corner of the barn, surrounded by his gang. The Monkey Ups were a ragtag bunch of toughs who had, like most of the monkeys in this barn, come from various places throughout the United States, including zoos and sanctuaries. “We can’t let anyone take it away from us.” 
“What are we gonna do, Riff?” asked Action. He was a small but solid monkey who liked to fight and usually won. He may or may not have been responsible for the shot that killed the monkey earlier that day. 
“If we have to rumble to protect our heritage, then we will.” said Riff. “Who’s with me?” A cheer went up from the Ups as they closed in around Riff, clapping one another on the back, fist bumping, and fake punching. 
“Let’s go now,” suggested an enforcer called Diesel. “Catch ‘em unawares.” 
“No,” said Riff, sharply before the rest of the gang could get worked up. “We need to play by the normal street rules. We’ll hold a war council.” 
“When?” asked Action. 
“Tonight. At the dance.” 
“But dances are supposed to be neutral,” said Diesel. 
“That’s fine,” said Riff. “We’re just going to issue the challenge. We’ll pick a separate place for the war council and lay down the rules of engagement, so to speak. No blood will be shed tonight.” The rest of the Ups looked skeptical, but nodded in agreement, and the group soon drifted apart to begin preparations for the evening. 

***

Sharif entered the ranch house by the backdoor to find a drunk Dixie and Johnny lounging in the living room, watching tv, and Chichay and Sweaty in the kitchen, going over some invoicing for the restaurants. Bo and Tork were happily washing up the lunch dishes. Sharif took a seat at the kitchen table beside Chichay and looked from her to Sweaty a few times. 
“Dixie! Johnny! Get in here, Sharif is back!” Sweaty called into the other room. A few moments later, Dixie and Johnny stumbled into the kitchen. Johnny took a seat at the table while Dixie immediately began rummaging in the fridge for lunch leftovers. She took a big container of chili out and brought it to the table with a spoon. She handed the spoon to Johnny, who dug into the chili, while Dixie went back to the fridge for the cornbread. 
“We literally just ate lunch,” Chichay said. “How could you two possibly be hungry already? Dixie stuffed a big piece of cornbread in her mouth and shrugged. Johnny finished a spoonful of chili and looked at Sharif. 
“What’d you find out?” he asked. Sharif nodded and gestured a few times. Johnny listened intently, but then interrupted. “Monkey Up?” 
“What the hell is Monkey Up?” asked Sweaty. Johnny was quiet again, listening to Sharif. He nodded and turned to the group. 
“Apparently it’s the worst movie ever made. It’s about a monkey-” Sharif interrupted him to clarify something. Johnny continued, “It’s about a talking monkey who wants to be a serious actor but is stuck doing commercials for an energy drink called Monkey Up.” 
“Is it a monkey energy drink?’ Chichay asked. Johnny listened. 
“He doesn't know. He said it was so bad that he couldn’t watch more than a few minutes. Apparently the monkey is completely unlikeable and his voice is annoying.” 
“Ok, what does this have to do with the monkey that was gunned down on our lawn?” Chichay asked. Everyone looked at Sharif. 
“Are you kidding?” Johnny asked him in disbelief. Sharif shrugged and shook his head. He agreed. 
“What?” asked Dixie. 
“Apparently the monkeys that live in the one barn, they’re mostly the ones we got from the zoos and stuff, they fucking love this movie.” 
“Really?” asked Sweaty. 
“Yeah, and the monkeys in the other barn, mostly the ones that came from Monkey Pirate Island and Bali, they fucking hate it.” 
“Well, it sounds like it sucks,” said Dixie. “I’m glad someone hates it.” 
“But apparently it’s turned into some kind of culture war, and they’re fighting over it.” There was silence at the table for a minute. 
“Of all the possible explanations, this is far stupider than anything I could have imagined,” Sweaty said. Chichay nodded. 
“Ok,” she said to Dixie and Johnny, “It’s time for you to get this little monkey show of yours on the road. You have enough monkeys for your project, you know where you want to take them. I don’t care how you do it, just get these monkeys out of here.” Chichay and Sweaty stood up from the table and left the kitchen. 
Dixie and Johnny sat at the table, picking at the leftovers, while Bo and Tork finished up the dishes. Sharif reached for a piece of cornbread. 
“I guess she’s right,” said Johnny. 
“Yeah, might as well,” said Dixie. “I’ll call Tommy, tell him to get us some transportation.” 
“You up for driving?” Johnny asked Sharif. The orangutan shrugged.  

***

Out in the barn, Riff was preening in front of an old hand mirror that was hanging from a rusty nail when a face appeared in the reflection next to his. He spun around to face his best friend Tony. 
“Man, Tony. Where have you been?” 
“I was helping to set up for the dance,” Tony said. 
“Shit’s getting real out here, man,” said Riff. “We need you.” 
“Why, what’s going on?” 
“Those fucking asshole Downs, that’s what’s going on. They keep insulting us.” 
“Is this about that movie again?” Tony asked. 
“What, you think it’s ok that they just shit on everything we believe in?” 
“Well, I think every monkey is entitled to his opinion. They don’t have to like it just because you do.” 
“We do,” said Riff. 
“What?” 
“Because we do,” Riff said. “Right?” 
“I mean, sure,” said Tony, evasively. “But my point is that you’re taking it too seriously and not everyone has to like the same thing.” 
“You know, we’re not the only ones taking this too seriously. They beat up Baby John because he said he liked it.” 
“They did? When?” Tony looked upset. 
“Yesterday.” 
“Is he ok?” 
“Yeah, he’ll live. But this shit isn’t going to fly here. Not on my watch. We’re going to end this.” 
“What do you mean?” 
“A rumble.” 
“Riff,” said Tony, “Is that really necessary?” 
“There’s no other way. And we need you. We’re going to issue the challenge tonight.” 
“You can’t, man, the dance is supposed to be neutral. It’s supposed to be unifying.” Tony looked stricken. 
“Relax, square,” Riff said. “We’re just issuing the challenge. But we need you there with us. You’re part of the Ups.” 
Tony sighed. “Riff…” he started, then paused. 
“What?” 
“I mean, is this really worth it?” 
“You tell me, man,” Riff said. “We’re a family. This is our heritage. Isn’t that important to you?”  

***

Two beautiful Balinese long-tailed monkeys sat in the hayloft of the second barn, looking down over the floor where a fierce monkey named Bernardo was talking to a group of monkey hoodlums who made up his gang, the Monkey Downs. They were plotting something. 
“I can’t believe I’m going to a dance tonight,” Maria said with a sigh. “I’ve always dreamed of being able to go to a party where different monkeys were allowed to mingle. It’s so exciting.” 
“I don’t know why you’re excited about other monkeys,” Anita said. “You’re engaged to Chino. It’s not like you’re going to be dancing with anyone else. And I don’t know why you’d want to when Balinese long-taileds are so sexy.” As she said this, she kept her eyes glued to Bernardo. Maria sighed. 
“When I look at Chino, nothing happens,” Maria said. 
“What do you think is supposed to happen?” Anita asked. 
“I don’t know, something? Like how you feel when you look at Bernardo.” 
“I feel better when I’m not looking at him, if you know what I mean,” replied Anita. Maria looked confused. 
“Well, I’m still excited to go to the dance. Even just seeing all those different monkeys in one place is something I never dreamed I would see.” 
“I guess we better get ready, then,” said Anita, standing up. As she did, Bernardo noticed. He looked up, caught her eye, and winked. Chino looked up, as well, and gave a dull wave to Maria, which she timidly returned. The two walked off to the far side of the loft, where another group of girls was crowded around an old broken wardrobe mirror that had been stashed there decades ago. 

***

The courtyard was what the monkeys called the space between the two barns housing the monkeys. The monkeys that mostly came from the zoos, sanctuaries, and other places throughout America, including the Monkey Ups, were housed in the barn on the left. The monkeys that came from Monkey Pirate Island and the Monkey Temples of Bali, including the Monkey Downs, lived in the barn on the right. 
Tonight, the open space between the two buildings was decorated with hay bales and lanterns, as well as other decorations that had been pilfered from throughout the property. Several Christmas ornaments stolen from the ranch house twinkled down from a small tree in the center. Music played from an old boombox with a stack of cassette tapes and CDs next to it on the table, along with a pile of stolen snacks. 
Monkeys milled about. Some danced timidly. Others looked somewhat dressed up, wearing things that they found here and there; a battered top hat, broken jewelry, Johnny Go’s torn Planet Hollywood t-shirt. For the most part, they mingled only with their own house. The rift caused by Monkey Up ran deep. 
The gangs, too, stuck to their own sides, but seemed to be enjoying themselves much less than the unaffiliated monkeys. The gang members kept one eye trained on the opposition at all times. The tensions were visibly mounting. 
Finally, Riff had had enough. He tossed down the paper cup he’d been drinking from, which was full of some of the moonshine they’d found buried by Dixie and Johnny behind the Troubadour’s cabin. He was just about to march across the courtyard and confront Bernardo when a kiss-ass monkey named Glad Hand climbed on top of a hay bale. He let a loud whistle through his teeth, and all the monkeys turned and looked.
“What do you say, primates?” he shouted. “Is it time for a dance off, or what?!” Monkeys on both sides of the courtyard cheered, and many immediately rushed into the center of the yard. Glad Hand signaled to the monkey manning the boom box, who inserted a tape and pressed play. The music began to play, blanketing the yard with the sweet sounds of C&C Music Factory. 
Before long, even the Ups and Downs joined in, facing off with one another from the relative safety of their respective sides of the yard. The mass of dancing monkeys moved side to side, forward and back, and as they shifted once more, Maria looked up from her place near the wall of the barn. Across the yard, she saw Tony, standing in much the same position. They locked eyes. 

***

A moment later, Tony and Maria crossed the courtyard and met in the center. They stood for a long moment, staring at one another. Wordlessly, Tony held out his hands, offering Maria a dance. She timidly put her arms around him, and they began to sway slowly together. 
Off in the corner of the yard, no one noticed them together, or even their absence. The dance battle raged on nearby, the music having switched to something by Flo Rida, but Tony and Maria didn’t notice that their slow dance was to a different beat. They were in their own world. 
“Have we met before?” Tony asked. 
“I know we haven’t,” replied Maria. “And yet..” 
“And yet I feel like I know you. You’re from the other house, but I can tell you aren’t like them,” Tony said. 
“Nor are you,” Maria replied. “I don’t think you care one way or the other about a silly movie. Certainly not enough to argue about it.” 
“Of all the things to argue about, a movie about a monkey who wants to be an actor isn’t one of them,” Tony said with a laugh that turned into a sigh. “If I’m being honest, I don’t really understand many movies. This one just seemed ridiculous, so I only watched a few minutes.” 
“I thought it was just me,” Maria said. “I thought maybe it’s because it was an American movie, and I’m not American.” 
“It does seem like the American monkeys are the only ones who like it,” said Tony. “And yet…” 
“And yet you found it to be so monumentally and surreally stupid that you’re having difficulty conveying it?” she asked with a smile. He laughed. 
“Well, the five minutes that I watched, yes. But my bunk mates are… passionate.” 
“They’re all very fanatical about this movie, aren’t they?” Maria asked. Tony nodded. 
“Whether they like it or hate it, they’ve become incapable of accepting any opinion that doesn’t align with theirs,” he said. “It’s a lot of energy to spend on a movie.” 
“I prefer books,” Maria said. 
“Have you seen the shelves in the house?” Tony asked eagerly. 
“I haven’t. I only arrived here recently and I haven’t had a chance to explore.” 
“Oh, it’s fantastic. I’ll take you. Maybe we can even get in and borrow a few.”   They danced quietly for a few moments, each lost in thought. 
“My hands are cold,” Maria said. Tony took her hands in his, then lifted them to his lips and kissed them. At that moment, Bernardo arrived. 
“Fuck off, American!” he screamed at Tony. 
“Bernardo, relax,” said Tony. 
“You get the hell away from my sister!” 
“Sister?” asked Tony. A moment later, Riff was at his side, menacing. Bernardo grabbed Maria and pulled her away as Chino walked up. 
“I told you!” Chino screamed. “There’s only one thing they want from a Balinese long-tailed!” He grabbed Maria and began to drag her away. Bernado followed. 
“Couldn’t you tell he was one of them?!” he screamed. 
“I saw only him,” Maria said, quietly. 
“I warned you!” Bernardo yelled, raising his hand to Maria, about to slap her. Chino stepped in. 
“Don’t,” he said. Bernardo dropped his hand. 
“Take her back to the barn,” he said. He turned on his heel to find the rest of his gang. From across the courtyard, Riff watched Bernardo for a moment, then sprinted to catch up with him. 
“Bernardo!” he called as he approached. Bernardo whirled around. 
“What do you want?” 
“War council. By the pool in one hour,” Riff was about to leave when he stopped. “No monkey business before that, got it?” 
“I know the rules, you monyet kotor.” Riff was already walking away, and fortunately didn’t speak Indonesian, so he missed the insult that might have otherwise changed the rules of the engagement. 

***

Tony crouched below the window of the monkey habitat where Maria lived, He reached up and tapped gently on the window, then waited. A moment later, he tapped again, and shortly after that he heard the window slide open. 
“Maria?” he called, softly. 
“Tony?” she replied. 
“Yes, it’s me.” 
“How did you know I would be here?” 
“Everyone else is still at the dance. I just had to see you again. But we have to be fast. Your brother and Riff went off to have a war council. Depending on how it goes, they could be back any minute.” 
“They locked the doors,” Maria said. “But there’s a way out under the wall on the far side of the building. Under the double window.” With that, she was gone. 
Tony raced as quickly and quietly as he could to the far side of the building. It was much darker there, and it took him a moment to locate the double windows. When he did, sure enough, it wasn’t long before the scruffy form of Maria crawled out of a small hole in the ground under the wall. 
When she was most of the way out, he reached out and helped her the rest of the way. She got to her feet and threw herself into his arms. 
“We don’t have much time,” Tony said. 
“Just a minute then,” Maria replied, holding him tighter. 
“A minute isn’t enough.” 
“Forever, then.” Maria lifted her face to Tony’s and they shared a long, passionate kiss. When they finally broke away, Tony looked determined. 
“I know this job we’re supposed to be doing is a good deal, but I don’t think they’re ever going to accept us being together.” 
“I’m afraid of that, too,” Maria admitted. “My family is here, and they are very strict. Ridiculous movie opinions aside, they won’t like my kind being with your kind. We’re never even supposed to see one another in the natural world. You’re from a totally different continent.” 
“So let’s run.” 
“Can we?” 
“I’m sure. We’ll find a safe place eventually. Maybe back to the sanctuary I came from. Or a zoo.” 
“No, a zoo would never let us be together.” 
“Fine, not a zoo. But maybe some eccentric human’s estate? Or what the hell, we’ll live in the woods! Who cares? Maria, I only want to be with you!” Tony wrapped his arms around her. Maria pulled away slightly and looked up at him. 
“Same. Let’s do it, then.” 
“Ok, tomorrow. I’ll come here tomorrow after everyone’s gone to sleep. I’ll wait in this spot. As soon as you can, climb out and we’ll go.” 
“How?” she asked. “Are we going to walk?” 
“If we have to. But I saw some bikes in that shed by the house. There’s also a motorcycle with a sidecar. I’m not sure it runs, but I’ll see if I can get it started. Ok?” 
“Aku cinta kamu, Tony,” said Maria. They kissed again, and then she made her way back into the barn. 
“Aku cinta kamu, Maria,” Tony said softly when she had gone. 

Meanwhile...

The Ups were milling around the pool, which was covered and closed for the winter. Some of the furniture was still there, since it was one of Dixie and Johnny’s preferred drinking locations. It was dark and quiet in the ranch house, so some of the gang members took the liberty of using the furniture, lounging around and cracking jokes to one another. Riff arrived with another monkey called Ice, who was his enforcer. 
“Ok, is everyone present and accounted for?” Riff asked. All of the monkeys in the gang nodded, clapped, and made soft screeching sounds. Riff nodded. 
“Where’re the Downs?” asked the tough looking monkey called Action. 
“They’ll be here,” said Riff. “Any sign of Tony?” 
“You mean the invisible monkey?” asked Snowboy, a scrawny Japanese macaque. Riff shot him a look, but Snowboy was undeterred. “We all saw him tonight, starry eyed over that Down broad.” 
“Oh, baby, I just love you so much. I’ll betray my brothers for you,” said Baby John, a common marmoset. He made kissing noises. The other monkeys howled with laughter at this, which angered Riff. He was about to start knocking their heads together when a window on the upper floor of the ranch house slid open, and Johnny Go stuck his head out. 
“Hey you monkeys!” he yelled. The monkeys froze and turned to face him. “Shut the holy gibblet fuck up! Get the fuck back to your habitats or so help me god, you’re all fucking fired.” The next window opened, as well, and Dixie’s head appeared. 
“Your contracts say we can murder you if you piss us off!” 
Both windows slammed in unison and the monkeys were quiet for a few minutes. A shuffling sound alerted them to the arrival of the Downs, and all of the Ups spun around. The situation was tense immediately. 
Riff stepped forward, with Ice immediately to his right. The rest of the Ups filled in behind him, looking as ferocious as possible. Across from them, Bernardo stepped forward, with Chino to his right and the rest of the Downs behind them. 
“Aren’t you going to offer me a drink?” Bernardo asked. 
“Cut the shit, Downs boy. In the name of Monkey Up, and of all the Monkey Ups, we challenge you to a rumble.” Behind Riff, the monkeys stood up taller, screeched, and beat their chests. 
“What terms?” asked Bernardo. 
“You know what, Downs?” Riff said, “I’m feeling generous, so your terms.” There was a pause, and Bernardo said nothing. 
“Go ahead and choose,” Riff urged. “It’s your fault you’re in this mess anyway.” 
“Oh, because we don’t like your stupid, insipid fucking movie?” said Bernardo, angrily. He balled his hands into fists as he spoke. 
“You watch your mouth,” called one of the Ups standing behind Riff. 
“You killed Leonard!” Bernardo shouted. 
“He disrespected our beliefs!” 
“Beliefs?” asked one of the Downs. “In a straight to DVD bullshit movie with-” 
“It’s not bullshit!” interrupted one of the Ups. He tried to push his way forward, but Ice held him back. 
“You domestics!” screamed a Down from behind Bernardo. “Just falling in line with what the humans expect of you.” 
“Even liking their shitty entertainment!” said another. It was clear that the situation was about to boil over. 
“We accept,” said Bernardo, angrily waving his arm at his crew of Downs. 
“Time?” asked Riff, smugly. 
“Tomorrow. After lights out.” 
“Place?” 
“Right here,” Bernardo suggested. Riff nodded his head toward the ranch house. 
“The back pasture,” he said. 
“Fine.” 
“Weapons?” Riff asked. Bernardo was silent. “Your call,” Riff added.  
“It’s your challenge,” said Bernardo. 
“Afraid to pick a weapon, Down boy?” 
“Sticks.” 
“Rocks.” 
“Pitchforks.” 
“There aren’t enough,” Riff pointed out.
“Fine, bottles.” 
“Bricks.” 
“Why not guns?” asked a voice from outside of the gangs. They all turned to stare as Tony stepped forward until he was almost in between the two gangs. “What’s the matter? Chicken?” 
“Who you calling chicken?” demanded Snowboy. 
“Every monkey knows the smell of its own shit,” said Bernardo. Tony turned to him, his teeth bared. Then he turned back to the Ups. 
“I’m calling all of you chickens. You’re out here thumping your chests and trying to kill one another over a fucking movie!” 
“Listen Tony,” started Riff. 
“Sounds like Tony’s on our side,” Chino snickered. But Tony turned back to him. 
“You aren’t any better than they are! You harassed them for liking the movie and wouldn’t let them watch it in your habitat! All this name calling, and now you’re out here arguing about weapons? Why? Afraid to get in close and fight like real monkeys?” 
“He said to call weapons,” Bernardo said, pointing at Riff. 
“You can finish this with a fair fight,” Tony said, looking from Riff to Bernardo. “Best monkey from each gang.” 
“Fine with me,” Bernardo said. 
“No,” said Chino. 
“Yes,” replied Bernardo. He looked at Riff. “Well?” 
“The back pasture, then,” confirmed Riff. “Tomorrow night. You and me.” He stepped forward and held out his hand. Bernardo stepped forward and shook. They quickly stepped away. 
Riff signaled to the Ups to follow him, and he pushed past the Downs and started to cross the lawn. 
“Better pray to your DVD player,” Bernardo called after them. The Downs snickered and high fived at that. Bernardo shushed them. When the Ups were most of the way across the lawn, he started walking toward the other barn. 
Tony remained standing by the pool, lost in thought. He didn’t hear the window open again, and was startled when a bowl of spaghetti from Johnny’s bedroom window sailed across the law and landed on him. 

The next day...

Maria and Anita sat in the community baths, which had been haphazardly constructed out of a chipped claw-foot bathtub, a rusted water trough, and several large water buckets for the smaller monkeys. 
“Hand me that soap, will you?” Anita asked. Maria reached out of the bucket she was bathing in and handed Anita a tub of Clé de Peau bath soap, which one of the monkeys had stolen from Chichay’s bathroom. Chichay had splurged on the expensive soap after a particularly lucrative gig assisting in the kidnap and ransom of a not very respected world leader, and was angry when the item went missing. She blamed Rex. 
“What’s that one supposed to do?” Maria asked. 
“Makes ya smell nice and,” Anita paused, reading the label, “optimizes your skin’s texture.” 
“But most of our skin is covered in fur,” Maria pointed out. 
“Look,” Anita said, “all I care about is that I look and smell good for Bernardo after the rumble.” 
“I don’t understand the point of the rumble,” Maria said. 
“Well, you know, they’re boy monkeys,” Anita said. 
“So?” 
“Well, it’s like they have something in ‘em and they’ve gotta get rid of it. Fast.” She splashed her hand in the water, sending a spray straight up in the air. 

Late that night… 

A large group of monkeys gathered in the center of the lawn. It was so late that it was almost morning. The monkeys were clearly divided into their respective houses, and the groups were made up of both the gang members and some spectators. There was a space at the center of the group for the fighters, and the gang members stood closest to this space, ready to jump in if necessary. 
The air was thick with tension, and the volume of monkey chatter, which had been quiet at first, grew until echoed over the ranch. Finally, the two fighters stepped into the center and a hush fell over the crowd. 
“Last man standing,” Riff said, reaching out his hand to shake. Bernardo swatted it away. 
“I don’t shake with monkey traitors,” he said. Insulted, Riff took a step back and was still for a moment, Bernardo tensed. 
In the next instant, the two monkey gang leaders lunged at one another, swinging their fists wildly, grappling fiercely, each trying to knock the other to the ground. The crowd of monkeys on either side cheered their fighters and jeered the opponents. The fight continued to intensify, with each fighter having the advantage, then losing it, in a constantly shifting dance of brutality. 
Eventually, Riff seemed to tire, giving Bernardo the upper hand. He had Riff in a headlock, pinning him halfway to the ground. They were near the sidelines, with the other Ups snarling and shouting, rabid for their leader to take control again. Riff struggled, but didn’t seem to be able to gain the upper hand. They rotated until their backs were to the Ups. Riff freed one hand and for a moment, it looked like he was going to tap out. 
At that point, Baby John forced his way to the front row. He looked in horror for a moment as his idol struggled, then reached out quickly, taking a small switchblade and passing it to Riff’s flailing hand. Riff’s fingers closed in on it, and in the next instant he swung his arm around and plunged the knife into Bernardo’s leg. 
Bernardo let out a howl of pain and immediately let go of Riff, falling backward onto the ground. Blood had started to pool from his wound. It took a moment for him to return to his senses. He realized he needed to finish the fight, and he was about to stand when Riff was on him, pinning him to the ground. 
Riff pummeled Bernardo with one fist, while keeping the other fist, still holding the knife, raised above Bernardo’s head. By now, all of the spectators had seen the knife and realized that the fight was no longer fair. A monkey named Toro from the Downs side fought his way to the front row. He held a gun in his hand and took aim at Riff. He waited for a clear shot. 
At that moment, Tony rushed up, pushing his way through the crowd until he was in the center of the circle. He crossed to where Riff was holding Bernardo, who was barely conscious. Riff raised his arms, both hands clutched around the knife, about to plunge it into Bernardo’s chest in a final blow. 
“NO!” screamed Tony. Without thinking, He jumped forward, tackling Riff in order to save Bernardo’s life. In that same instant, Toro fired the gun. 
The shot hit Tony in the back, puncturing his lung. A gasp went up from the crowd, and the cheers were replaced by silence. Tony slumped to the ground. Riff and Bernardo wriggled out from under him. Bernardo got unsteadily to his feet as some of his gang rushed over to help him stand. Riff sat up and reached for Tony, hesitating, as if he didn’t want to confirm what he knew to be true. 
From across the lawn came a small voice, screaming. It got louder and louder as it approached until finally, the crowd parted and Maria appeared. She paused at the edge of the circle for a moment, taking in the scene, then let out a wail that shook the ranch. She came forward, pushing Riff to the side, and crouched down on the ground beside Tony. 
Maria gathered Tony in her arms, blood seeping into her fur, and screamed. She leaned over, rocking him gently. 
“Tony!” she said quietly, through her tears. “Tony, cintaku. My love, my heart.” 

***

The sky was beginning to lighten as the crowd of monkeys started to make their way back to their respective habitats. Several monkeys tried to help Maria, to move Tony’s body. Every time they approached, she bared her teeth and screeched, and they backed away. 
“Give her some time,” said Anita, who had arrived shortly after Maria. She stood with the other girl monkeys, waiting. Off to the side, Riff remained slumped on the ground, staring into the distance, unblinking. 
The sound of a loud engine alerted the monkeys on the lawn, and they looked to see the glow of headlights as a large cattle truck pulled into the driveway. The truck drew to a stop and the driver killed the engine. Silence rushed in. 
The monkeys watched as the driver stepped out of the truck and went around to the back, opening the doors. From the ranch house, Dixie and Johnny appeared. Bo sat on Dixie’s shoulder. Sharif lumbered across the lawn. 
“Hey Tommy!” Johnny called, approaching the driver and giving him an intricate handshake. Dixie and Bo headed back to check out the trailer. Sharif walked up and fist bumped Tommy. 
“You ready to do this?” Johnny asked Sharif. The orangutan nodded. “Tommy, you need us to drop you someplace?” The man shook his head and stepped into the trailer, where he wheeled out a small motorcycle. He handed the truck keys to Sharif, hopped on the bike, and was off without another word. Johnny turned to the monkeys on the lawn. 
“Ok, typists!” he yelled. “The time has come. You have thirty minutes to gather your things, return all the shit you stole from the house, and get your asses into this cattle truck. We’re heading off to the port, where we’ll be taking a ship, followed by another truck once we reach South America.” The monkeys looked at Johnny, almost not comprehending what was happening. 
“Get going!” shouted Dixie. Several monkeys got up and started toward the barns. Dixie banged her fist on the side of the truck, rattling the metal. The rest of the monkeys moved off until only Maria and Riff remained. Johnny approached. 
“Lady, I’m gonna need you to leave your dead boyfriend and get a move on. We’re burning daylight as it is, and this guy’s not getting any more alive.” Johnny clapped his hands and Maria, dazed, stood up and wandered off. Johnny moved onto Riff. 
“You too, gangster.” He shoved Riff with his toe and the monkey climbed to his feet. “And I don’t want any more of this gang violence. Once we get to Bolivia, your job is to type some fucking Shakespeare or I’ll roast you and eat you.” 

***

A short while later, the last of the monkeys were loaded into the cattle truck, and Dixie, Johnny, Sharif, and Bo were crammed into the cab. Sharif started the engine and turned the truck, heading down the driveway. They were off. 
After the last sound of the truck faded into the distance, the small form of the monkey Maria appeared from behind one of the barns. She looked around, making sure the coast was clear, and scampered off into the woods. 

Monkeys collected: Too many