X: Humpies

“Damn,” Dixie said. “She totally rejected us.”
“Maybe it’s for the best,” Johnny said, getting to his feet and helping Dixie up.
“How so?”
“Having a teenage sex pet seems like a lot of work, you know?”
“Yeah, you’re right,” Dixie said.
“And you know how hard it is to keep other things alive.” They made their way toward the main gate of the academy as the first bell of the morning sounded.

The shifty and eccentric Johnny Go slung a towel over his shoulder and slipped out of the chamber. He closed the door, muting the grunts and moans coming from within, and headed down the long, curved hallway to the bordello’s common area. In the small kitchenette, he ran into his beautiful and psychotic sidekick Dixie Doublestacks, similarly naked and toweled, sipping from a large flagon of water.
“Taking a break?” Johnny asked, as he poured himself a drink and chugged it down. When he finished, he filled his flagon with water again and sipped this second one more slowly. He sat down on a stool beside Dixie.
“Yeah, it was getting pretty hot in my chamber, so I figured I’d come out here for a drink and a snack.” She motioned to the large gilded birdcage that sat on the counter. It was full of tiny, brightly colored, birdlike creatures. Dixie opened the cage and reached in, plucking a little purple bird from its perch. “The purple ones taste the best,” she told Johnny, popping the animal into her mouth, whole and alive, and crunching down.
“Yeah, I like those and the green ones. The yellow ones suck balls, though.” Johnny also reached into the cage and extracted a bird.
“Yellow’s always the worst flavor,” Dixie agreed. “This place is pretty sweet, as far as bordellos go. The amenities are great, and it looks kinda like a tech company.” They both looked around. It did, indeed, look like the offices of a hip tech company.
“Way better than all those dingy ones we’ve been to on Earth,” Johnny said. He pointed to the row of windows that ran the length of the common area. The bordello, which was in an orbital biodome, drifted peacefully around a pearl-colored planet in the outer limits of the Shokene Galaxy. The view from the window alternated between neighboring planets, the galaxy’s sun, burning white-blue heat, and the vast emptiness of space.
This was definitely a bordello for high rollers. Dixie and Johnny, unfortunately, were not high rollers. Their session, the longest they could afford, was up in an hour.
“Better get back to it,” Johnny said, crunching on a little bird. “Time’s ticking.”
“Just think,” Dixie said, getting up. “If we hadn’t gotten blown up on that service planet, we’d have enough money to pay for more than four hours here.”
“Maybe when we leave here, we should try to get some more money somehow,” Johnny suggested as they walked away from the common room. “I guess we could try to win it by gambling again.”
“That was a lot of work,” Dixie said. “Maybe we should just try robbing one of those armored bank ship things.”
“Oh yeah. Once and done.” They reached the doors to their respective sex chambers. “Let’s think on that.”
“Ok, see you in a bit,” Dixie said as she opened the door. Inside the darkened chamber, a row of sexy, assorted beings appeared to be attached to the wall with some kind of silvery web. Dixie grabbed a praying mantis mask and pulled it on. “Ok, cocoon. I’m back and I’m cracking skulls. Who’s next?” She closed the door.

***

A few hours later, Dixie and Johnny were back in their stolen, late model Starhawk utility vehicle, cruising through the galaxy. They sipped Midori straight out of the bottle as they sat with their feet up on the dashboard. They both wore silk pajamas and robes that they’d stolen from the bordello’s gift shop. Dixie had accessorized hers with a set of football shoulder pads that she’d found in the trunk of the ship. Snacks and empty bottles littered the cabin. The ship was on autopilot.
“You’re starting to look less like a cartoon,” Dixie commented. “Other than that bionic eye thing, you almost look normal.” Johnny turned and studied her.
“Oh yeah, you too,” he replied. “Your eyes are almost back to their regular size. And when you talk, your mouth actually moves.”
“I guess the anime planet is finally wearing off.”
“Yeah, but I’d have thought the excessive hornieness would’ve worn off with it,” Johnny said, reaching for a bag of chips. “We just had very pricey four hour orgies, and I already want to go again.”
“I know. Usually I’m down for the count after a night like that. And don’t get me wrong, I’m exhausted. But I still wanna find another brothel. Like, now.”
“Me too,” Johnny said. He drained his bottle, then got up from his seat. “We’re pretty much out of cash, though, so we’re gonna have to find a place to fuck for free.” He made his way around to stand behind his chair.
“How about a rest stop?” Dixie asked. “The long hauler lot oughta do the trick.”
“Great idea,” Johnny replied. “Will you set the coordinates? I just need to…” he trailed off, but a moment later began humping the back of his seat, each thrust more forceful than the last.

***

A short while later, Dixie and Johnny’s ship coasted into the thin atmosphere of a small moon that was home to a service plaza and intergalactic highway rest stop. The ship drifted to a stop near the fuel pumps, where it idled quietly for close to an hour while Dixie and Johnny continued humping their seats in the main cabin.
“Oh,” Johnny said, out of breath and still humping away. “We’re here.”
“Thank Lobak,” Dixie muttered. “My hips are starting to get sore from humping this seat.”
“Maybe we should try to find some cushions,” Johnny suggested.
“Yeah. Hopefully this horniness’ll wear off soon, though,” Dixie said. She stopped humping the seat. “I kinda can’t believe I just said that.”
“Me neither,” Johnny turned and headed toward the hatch of the ship. “But I know exactly what you mean.” Dixie followed.
“How long is Teenage Sex Juice supposed to stay in your system?”
“I don’t know. Maybe it’s like weed?”
“So a month?”
“I guess I can handle that.”
They stepped out of the ship and started across the parking area. The large service plaza glowed brightly to their left. Straight ahead, they could see the rest area where the long haulers parked to relax and refuel. Dixie and Johnny stopped for a moment, conflicted.
“I think I’m really hungry,” Johnny said. “But I can’t tell because all I can think about is how I want to fuck everything that’s alive.”
“Me too,” Dixie replied, looking from the plaza to the parking lot. “Also I think I might be sober?” She shuddered.
“Ok, let’s go get a couple jugs of that stuff that’s like the local moonshine, and maybe some chips or something. That shouldn’t take too long. We can drink and eat on the way over to those truck ships.”
With that, they raced into the plaza and headed straight to the convenience store section where they grabbed frantically at items without really seeing what they were buying. They were dismayed to see a line at the checkout.
“Why is everyone buying stuff?” Dixie moaned. She tapped her foot anxiously and started to rub a bag of that galaxy’s version of shrimp chips on her breasts. Beside her, Johnny flicked his hips ever so slightly, forward and back.
“Why aren’t there more cashiers,” he complained. His hips shot forward a little more forcefully. He lowered a loaf of something that looked like bread and smashed it against his crotch. “At this rate, I’m going to ruin these snacks before we get a chance to buy them.”
“Should we just run out?” Dixie wondered. She had a bottle of liquor and was rubbing it between her legs. As she spoke, Johnny was gyrating himself closer to the being standing in line in front of him and was coming dangerously close to humping the man.
“That might be for the best,” he said. He stepped closer to the man in front, who threw him a threatening look over his shoulder. “Ok, on three,” Johnny said.
But neither he nor Dixie waited for the count, and instead raced out of the plaza immediately, dropping a few bags of chips on the way. One small being, an older man in a rumpled security guard’s uniform, attempted to stop them, but as they blew past him and out the doors, he just shrugged and went back to reading a magazine.

***

Outside, Dixie and Johnny tore into their drinks and snacks as they crossed the parking lot, throwing empty packages over their shoulders. They were momentarily satiated.
“I feel pretty good, actually,” Johnny said as he wiped crumbs from his face. “Maybe I was just hungry and sober.”
“Yeah, that might’ve been it,” Dixie said. She cracked open another bottle of moonshine and placed the bottle to her lips, draining half of it in one gulp. She handed it to Johnny, who did the same. When the bottle was empty, he tossed it carelessly over his shoulder. It shattered on the ground.
“Well, in that case, where to next?”
“That place where you ride those little creatures,” Dixie said. The moonshine was starting to hit, and she looked a little unsteady. “You know, like cowboys or whatever.”
“Oh yeah. Where was that place?”
“I’unno. Let’s just drive around until we find it.” They’d made it halfway across the parking area toward their ship when they passed an attractive humanoid man with the bright skin of the Heptagin Region. They both stopped and turned to watch him walk into the service plaza.
“Oh man. I’d hit that. I’d hit that so fucking hard,” Dixie muttered.
“Me too,” Johnny said. His hand instinctively moved to his crotch. “Damn. I guess I’m still horny.”
“Uh huh.”
“Let’s go bang some long haulers.”

***

When they reached the lot where the long haulers were resting in the cabs of their ship trucks, a quick glance around told Dixie and Johnny that the place was crawling with an impressive array of intergalactic sex workers.
“What the hell is this?” Dixie grumbled. “We don’t need this kind of competition.” She locked eyes with a woman in a tube top and tiny skirt, teetering on tall, spindly legs and impossibly high heels. A long hauler sat in the cab of his truck nearby, leaning on the window and looking hungrily from one to the other. He licked his lips with a long forked lizard tongue. For a split second, neither Dixie nor the woman moved. In the next instant, both raced toward the truck.
The woman, used to the competition and better at running in heels than Dixie was at running without them, made it to the truck first. Before she was able to climb up into the cab, however, Dixie had used her shoulder pads to ram her.
Leaning down, she caught the woman in the rib cage in a full American football tackle, sending her frail body flying backward. The woman landed in a heap on the ground, gasping for breath, and Dixie climbed quickly into the cab.
Johnny Go, meanwhile, had quietly followed another sex worker to a nearby long haul ship and climbed inside the cab behind her.
“Don’t worry,” he whispered to her when she shot him a look. “Charge him double for a threesome and you can keep the money.” Internally, he briefly berated himself, knowing that he and Dixie were broke and that he should be trying to leverage this hornieness to get some money. Before he could think about it anymore, though, the john had taken his shirt off.

***

A few hours later, Dixie and Johnny had worked their way through the long haul lot, sometimes fighting off the sex workers, sometimes joining them. When they were pretty sure they'd banged everyone in the vicinity, including some droids that they weren’t particularly into, and a few slimy reptile beings that they definitely weren’t into, they met up at a bench near the plaza and sat down wearily, watching the lot and passing a bottle of Stupornova brand moonshine back and forth in silence.
“I’m beat,” Johnny said finally.
“Me too. I kinda wanna pull our ship over here and sleep for a few hours.”
“Yeah, that’s a good idea. Then maybe we use those pay showers in the plaza. Couple of those things I humped left me kinda slick.”
“We should buy something to eat, too,” Dixie added. “A few of the long haulers insisted on paying me, so I have some cash now.”
“Yeah, I made a couple bucks, too,” Johnny said. “Enough for the premium showers, anyway.”
“Ok, let’s go,” Dixie said. Neither moved.
“Why can’t we summon the ship over to us?” Johnny complained.
“Stupid advanced technology.”
They continued to sit, and had just about nodded off when a large military ship coasted into the parking lot. Dixie and Johnny sat up.
“Hello,” Dixie whispered.
“New meat,” Johnny said, getting to his feet.
“I didn’t think I had anymore in me, but I can’t resist a uniform,” Dixie said as she stood up and started across the parking lot, Johnny close behind.
When they reached the ship, the platoon had all climbed out of the vehicle and were heading toward the plaza. Dixie and Johnny approached as the last two members secured the hatch.
“Hey there, sailor,” Dixie said, sidling up to the man. He looked at her nervously.
“I’m a Colonial Marine, ma’am,” he told her.
“Whatever. Take your pants off.”
Behind them, Johnny Go approached an extremely tough looking woman. He whipped open his robe and looked into her eyes. “Let’s drill, sergeant!”
“Actually, we’re both privates, sir,” she replied. But even as she said it, he was unbuttoning her uniform..
“That’s the spirit!” Johnny exclaimed.
“Oh yeah. You sure are!” Dixie agreed, looking appraisingly at the soldier as she ripped his uniform off and pushed him roughly to the ground.
The two were both on top, furiously humping their Marines, grinding them into the ground. Dixie’s knees were scraped from the rough asphalt and Johnny’s hands had gravel embedded in the palms. Neither noticed the looks of discomfort that spread suddenly over the faces of the Marines. In the next instant,

BAM!

Blood and gore shot out of the Marines’ bodies as a pair of Chestbursters leapt from each soldiers’ chest. The gooey, worm-like creatures worked their way out, tearing at viscera and cracking ribs, mouths open, hissing and showing their teeth. Dixie and Johnny watched for a moment, stunned.
Johnny looked over at Dixie. “Shit.”
“We didn’t do that, did we?” she asked.
Before Johnny could answer, the Chestbursters freed themselves from the bodies of their hosts and attempted to escape across the parking lot.
Dixie and Johnny were up in a flash, diving for the creatures before they could get away. They each grabbed one, but the aliens struggled hard against them. They were surprisingly strong.
Gripping the ‘burster with both hands, Johnny attempted to get it near his crotch. He was already humping the air in anticipation. Dixie held hers by each end, trying to force it into a straight line while avoiding its teeth. After a long battle, however, both creatures eventually squirmed free and slithered off frantically toward a sewer.
The two gave chase, reaching the sewer as the Chestbursters slithered inside.
“Get back here, you freaky little dildos!” Johnny called. He dropped to his stomach and reached his arm into the grate, feeling around. “I can hear you slithering!”
While Johnny groped for the Chestburster, Dixie started trying to pry up the sewer grate.
“We’ll just have to go down there and get ‘em,” she grunted, trying with all her might to lift the heavy metal cover, made all the heavier by the fact that Johnny was still partially laying on top of it. Eventually she gave up and sat back on her heels. She looked across the lot and saw that the rest of the Colonial Marines had returned to the ship, and were standing over the bodies of their fallen comrades in shocked silence.
“Uh oh.” Johnny lifted his head from the sewer and followed Dixie’s gaze.
“We should probably get out of here,” he said. She nodded in agreement and the two bolted, heading back to their waiting ship.
By the time the authorities had arrived, the two pajamaed strangers were nowhere to be seen.

***

“This TSJ is no joke,” Johnny complained as they cruised along, reclined in their seats and staring at the ceiling of the ship. “We just fucked like, twenty beings each, and I still want more. Also, I think that last go round screwed up my bionic eye ring.”
Dixie looked over at him. “Oh yeah. I forgot all about that thing. Feels like you’ve always had it, I guess.”
“Does it make me look cool, at least?” he asked. Dixie nodded.
“Yeah, like a robot warrior or something.” Dixie sighed, then returned to the previous subject. “The problem with this TSJ infection is that I’m not even enjoying the sex anymore, you know?”
“Yeah!” Johnny cried. “Back on the anime planet it was, like, explosively good. I mean, I was exhausted, but I was into it. Now I’m just kind of…”
“Bored?”
“Right. Like I’m going through the motions.”
“I feel kind of like I’m possessed. I don’t really want to do all this humping, I don’t like it, but I can’t stop.”
“This sucks.”
“What should we do?” They lapsed into silence.

***

Dixie and Johnny were once again humping their seats in the main cabin of their star cruiser. Unbeknownst to them, they’d flailed around so much during this latest humpfest that they’d knocked the ship off course. Not that they’d been on any particular course to begin with.
When the ship entered the gravitational pull of a small moon, the navigation system began to chime, asking them if they wanted to prepare for landing, or change course. Johnny, who was humping the dashboard at the time, slapped blindly for a button to make the chimes stop, inadvertently telling the ship to land on the moon. Dixie, who was in the rear of the cabin gyrating on a handrail, didn’t notice.
They came to shortly after the ship touched down, looking at one another with confused expressions. Out the windows they saw only a dense forest.
“Where the hell are we?” Dixie asked.
“I don’t know,” Johnny said. He started to disarm and unlock the side hatch of the ship. “I don’t remember where I navigated us to, but I’m pretty sure this isn’t it. Dix?”
“Yeah?”
“I hate not being able to remember shit when I’m not even drunk.”
“Tell me about it.”
Johnny fiddled with the door for a few moments more before finally getting it to release. He pulled it wide and stopped.
“Dix?”
“Yeah?”
“Get that net.”
When Dixie had extricated the large black cargo net from a pile of assorted rubble in the rear of the ship, she peered out the door beside Johnny. A group of small, furry, bear-like creatures stood alongside the ship, looking curiously up at them.
“Oh hell yeah,” Dixie muttered, and tossed the net over the bears. About half of them scattered, but the rest were trapped. Together, she and Johnny reeled the creatures in.
The ship blasted off, leaving the small wooded moon behind.

A short while later...

The Starhawk cruised through the galaxy, shaking violently back and forth. The ship's thrusters roared as it attempted to keep itself on course.
Periodically the rear hatch would open, and the mangled body of a spent furry bear creature would be tossed out into oblivion.

***

Dixie and Johnny walked quietly through the halls of a large, industrial space. As usual, they had no idea where they were or how they’d gotten there.
They arrived in what looked like a command center. Lights blinked and equipment beeped. Dixie idly pushed buttons and flicked switches, but it didn’t seem to cause any kind of reaction.
“I thought there'd be hotties in here for sure,” Johnny said, looking around.
“Me too. But now I’m so horny, I’d settle for non-hotties.” They continued their inspection of the place, each trying hard not to start touching themselves or humping the control panels that lined the walls.
“EXTERMINATE!” came a robotic voice behind them. They whirled around in time to see a chest-high robot, shaped a little like a miniature tank, roll into the room.
“What the fuck is this thing?” Dixie asked. It looked like it contained, or was itself, a weapon. She approached it anyway.
“I don’t know,” Johnny said, circling around to the robot’s other side. “It’s not what I was hoping to find here, but it’ll have to do.”
“EXTERMINATE!” the robot said again. Dixie and Johnny got closer.
“With the amount of Teenage Sex Juice we’ve got in our systems, that’s exactly what we’re about to do to you,” Johnny told the robot.
Dixie leaned in to where she figured the robot’s ears were. “We won’t be gentle.”
They gripped the robot tightly, one on each side, and started humping. By the time they stopped, it was a mutilated heap of twisted metal, beeping weakly in agony.

***

“What’s that?” Johnny wondered as they approached a sleek, triangular shaped spacecraft. “Liberty 1?”
“Looks like a ship coming out of hyperspeed,” Dixie commented. She reached over for the Starhawk’s controls. “If they’ve been in suspended animation, they’re going to be real happy to see us.”
A short while later, they’d managed to dock their cruiser to the Liberty 1, linked the two crafts, and climbed aboard. Inside, the ship was clean, cool, and quiet.
“Hello?” Dixie called. Her voice echoed through the space.
“Wake up, sleepy space skanks,” Johnny shouted. “It’s time to break your sex fast! Get up and get it on!” There was no reply.
They made their way toward the rear of the ship, where an oblong chamber contained four stasis pods with bodies still in hypersleep. Dixie went to a control panel on the side and pressed all the buttons, attempting to open the pods and wake the crew. Nothing happened.
“Hurry up, Dix,” Johnny said. He was standing over one of the pods, leering in through the glass. “These look like actual humans and I’m super horny to finally fuck a real Earth human again.”
“I’m trying,” she replied. “Nothing’s happening. I think there’s probably some kind of setting and I don’t know how to override it. I’m getting a little too horny to keep trying, too.” She turned and walked to the pods, stopping before a pod on the lower level. She peered through the glass at the man inside. “You’ll do.”
And so they humped the stasis pods furiously, pounding away, grunting, but with a bored look in both their eyes. Dixie even yawned at one point. They thrust their pelvises into the pods over and over and over until finally there was a sharp crack and a hiss from the pod Johnny was humping. He and Dixie jumped backward and looked around, then noticed that the glass cover of the pod was broken.
“Uh...” Johnny said. He held up his hands and the two began to back slowly out of the chamber. They climbed back into their ship, disconnected it from the Liberty 1, and took off.

***

“Oh!” Dixie shouted, pointing out the front windshield of the ship. “It’s an RV ship! Follow it!” Up ahead, an old RV, which had been repurposed into a spaceship, cruised along. Johnny grabbed the controls of the ship and steered toward it, accelerating to catch up. Their ship was newer and much more modern, and they closed the distance easily.
“If space RVs are anything like Earth RVs, whoever’s in there’ll be totally down to fuck,” Johnny reasoned as he eased his way alongside the RV. He and Dixie had been enjoying a rare few moments where they weren’t ragingly horny, hence their enhanced concentration and motor skills.
Now that they were thinking about boning whoever was in the RV, though, they could feel their libidos kick into gear. Johnny managed to bring the ship alongside the RV. When the two vehicles were even, Dixie attempted to make eye contact with the driver. He waved, then slowed, assuming they wanted to pass.
“Why doesn’t he understand what we want?” Dixie asked. She opened her robe and pressed her boobs on the window. The driver of the RV looked over again, and, in his shock, lost control of the ship, which immediately started to spiral down into the atmosphere of a nearby planet.
“That fucker’s getting away!” Dixie shouted to Johnny. “Follow him!”
“If he thinks he can get outta boning us he’s got another thing coming,” Johnny said, steering sharply to the right and gunning the engine, setting the ship up to dive straight through the planet’s atmosphere directly behind the RV.
When the two vehicles blasted through the upper atmosphere, the driver of the RV tried desperately to slow the descent and avoid smashing into the ground. Johnny simply pulled back on the break and the cruiser leveled off, slowing to a halt a few feet above the ground. The RV wasn’t so lucky, and hit the ground hard, bouncing a significant height, and rolling over several times before coming to a stop on the lawn of the gaudiest McMansion Dixie and Johnny had ever seen. It looked like some kind of Italian villa with all the architectural embellishments thrown together at once. Not a single aspect of it was authentic, all piss-poor imitations, cheap plaster and wood painted to look like marble. Even the potted plants looked fake.
“Jeez, this shit is tacky,” Johnny Go said as he and Dixie climbed out of their ship and looked around.
“Like the heir to the Roman Delight fortune,” Dixie smirked.
The door to the RV, now at the top, creaked open and the driver managed to pull himself out. He had a huge cut on his forehead but was otherwise ok. When he made it out of the RV, he reached his hand in, and after a moment or two of struggling, the scruffy form of a creature who was half-man, half-dog, scrambled out, landing in a heap on top of the driver.
Dixie and Johnny looked at one another and shook their heads.
“Dibs on the driver,” Dixie whispered.
“No way,” Johnny replied. “I’m not fucking the dog man.”
“Well I’m sure as shit not fucking a dog man.”
“Fine. We’ll take turns with the driver. But we gotta knock the dog man out first. It’s creepy when dogs watch you fuck.”
They watched as the driver of the RV and the half-man, half-dog made their way down to the ground. Dixie and Johnny were about to cross the lawn and proposition the driver of the RV when a commotion near the front of the house caught their attention. They turned in time to see a group of heavily armed men in cheap suits rush across the lawn. Before the two from the RV could react, the security detail had them surrounded. They were quickly thrown to the ground and dragged into the mansion.
“Man, what the hell is going on at this place?” Johnny asked.
“I don’t know. But I’m not letting those bargain bin wang wardens grind on my guy!” Dixie shouted, starting across the lawn toward the house.
They were surprised, and a little disappointed, to find the door unlocked. They’d been ready to kick it down, or at the very least, hump it until it had opened. They entered the mansion and looked around. The outside was bad, but the inside was downright garish. Dixie giggled.
“Imagine thinking this was cool,” she said.
Johnny reached out and touched a marble vase on a stone pillar in the circular entryway. The vase wasn’t marble and the pillar wasn’t stone, and one light flick sent both tumbling over. “You think the torture room is as chintzy as this?”
“Let’s find out!”

***

Dixie and Johnny made their way through the McMansion, pausing to hump, grind on, or otherwise defile all of the tawdry trinkets adorning the place. Eventually they made their way to a faux-opulent room at the rear of the house that boasted, among other embellishments, an extremely poorly executed fake fresco on the wall. It looked, to Dixie and Johnny, like it was supposed to be of Tony Danza and a sexy female alien standing outside a Venetian palazzo.
The two travelers from the RV were kneeling in the center of the room, several guards on each side, guns primed and aimed at their heads. In front of them, seated on some kind of ridiculous throne, was a grotesque creature who appeared to be made out of mushy pizza.
“What’d I tell you?” Dixie whispered to Johnny. “Roman Delight.”
The pizza man was in the midst of a threatening lecture of the RV guys when he looked up and saw Dixie and Johnny.
“What do we have here?” he gurgled. His voice sounded wet and phlegmy, forced up through layers of cheese and grease.
“We’re here to pick up our sex toys,” Dixie informed him.
“These two?” the pizza man asked.
“Well, mostly him,” Johnny pointed to the driver. “But they were a package deal.”
“I see,” replied the pizza man. “Unfortunately, you can’t have them. They owe me a great deal of money, and I plan on extracting it from them one way or another.”
Dixie turned to Johnny. “Great, another fucking mob racket.” She turned back to the pizza man. “I’ve got a proposition for ya, cheesy. You let me and my partner here fuck it out of ‘em.” The room was quiet for a moment as the pizza man appeared to consider this. The driver of the RV hung his head, but the dog man hazarded a glance over his shoulder. He looked a little too interested in the idea.
“You see,” the pizza man drooled, cheese dripping from his chin to the floor with a disgusting wet slap sound. “You see, the problem with that is if they have the money, then all I get out of it is the money. And if they don’t have the money, then I don’t get anything. You see?”
“Well, I mean, we could fuck ‘em to death for you, I guess,” Johnny shrugged. “I’ve never tried that before, but I’ve seen it done and I’m sure I could figure it out.”
“But there’s still the little matter of me,” he said. “And what do I get?” He raised his pizza topping eyebrows suggestively. Dixie sighed.
“God, you mob guys are all the same,” she said, walking toward the pizza man. His guards moved their hands to their weapons, but he waved them off, allowing the two to advance.
“Gentlemen,” Johnny informed the room. “You’re gonna want to clear out. It’s about to get nasty in here.” He untied his robe and the guards beat a hasty retreat.

Two hours later…

Dixie and Johnny, partially clothed and covered in grease, and various meats, cheeses and sauces, were collapsed on the floor of the pizza man’s throne room.
“I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to eat again,” Johnny moaned.
“At least not pizza,” said Dixie, struggling to sit up. She had bits of pizza in her hair, and smeared all over the shoulder pads she was still wearing. Behind them, the two travelers from the RV were still huddled behind a crushed velvet sectional sofa, retching at the memory of what they’d just witnessed. At this point, they wished the guards had just taken them. Or killed them.
“Hey, where’d the pizza man go?” Johnny asked, looking around as if he didn’t remember how he got there.
“Did we…” Dixie started.
“Gave him the old eat ‘n fuck, I guess,” said Johnny. He got slowly to his feet. On the throne before him was a small pile of gnawed on crust, flecked with bits of sauce and cheese. It was all that remained of the pizza man. “First time we’ve fucked and eaten someone to death, huh?” He reached down to pull Dixie to her feet.
“I knew we had it in us,” she said.
They made their way to the door and, realizing it was locked, changed course and headed to the window, which they quickly smashed and walked out. After waiting a moment longer behind the couch, the RV team looked around to make sure the coast was clear, and followed Dixie and Johnny through the window.

***

Back in the cruiser, Dixie and Johnny climbed into their seats and were about to power the ship up when a wave of exhaustion hit them. They sat back, staring through the windshield, saying nothing. They nodded off.
Meanwhile, after a lot of heaving, the driver of the RV managed to climb up the side and lower himself into the vehicle. His plan was to power it up and hope that it could take off from its side. After boosting him up, the half-man, half-dog scrambled fruitlessly, pawing at the exposed underside of the ship, but unable to hoist himself up.
It didn’t matter, anyway, because the ship wouldn’t start. The driver again crawled up the side of the ship and called down to the dog man.
“Barf, I hate to say this, but you gotta go over to those weirdos and see if they have any jumper cables in their ship.”
“Really, boss?”
“Really, Barf. And make it quick, who knows if those guards are gonna come after us.” The dog man sighed and headed across the McMansion’s lawn. He reached the side hatch of Dixie and Johnny’s cruiser and knocked loudly on the door.
“Folks!” he called. “Sorry to bother you, but do you have any jumper cables in there?” At first he didn’t think they’d heard him, but a moment later he heard a shuffling inside the ship, then the side hatch opened suddenly to reveal both Dixie Doublestacks and Johnny Go. Dixie held a set of jumper cables in her hands and pinched the clamps suggestively.
“Jumper cables?” she asked, stepping aside. “Sure thing. But you’re gonna have to come in and get ‘em.”

Forty-five minutes later...

Dixie and Johnny’s ship blasted off, leaving an utterly desecrated half-man, half-dog named Barf lying in a heap on the lawn, tangled in the jumper cables, his clothing in shreds, weeping in the manicured grass.
The two didn’t speak until they’d cleared the atmosphere and were once again among the stark anonymity of space.
“I can’t believe we just did that,” Dixie said finally.
“I don’t say this often, but I’m fucking disgusted with myself,” Johnny said. He looked down at his robe, which was still covered in pizza guts. “I mean, the pizza man and the little fuzzy shits and all, that was one thing. But the fucking dog man!?”
“What the fuck even came over us?” Dixie wondered. “We fucked the dog man.” Suddenly, she looked like she was going to be sick and reached frantically for something to throw up into. She found a red child’s costume firefighter helmet and let loose, puking her guts up for the next several minutes. Beside her, Johnny Go just reclined his seat and stared at the ceiling.
“I don’t know about you, Dix,” Johnny said once she’d finished. “But I’m sick of getting dragged around by my libido.”
“You said it,” Dixie agreed. She groped around in the glovebox and eventually came up with a small flask of some kind of green liquor. She chugged half and passed it to Johnny. “What do we do?”
“Should we call Rex?”

***

“Rex, we need some advice and you’re the perviest guy we know.” Dixie and Johnny were hunched over the small communication device embedded in the dashboard of the cruiser. It had taken the better part of an hour, but they’d finally been able to reach Rex. He was pleased to see them, but not nearly as pleased as they were to see him.
“Hey guys! You look… good.”
“Yeah, you don’t have to be polite, Rex,” Dixie said. “We know we look like shit.”
“We got infected with Teenage Sex Juice and now we can’t stop humping everything. What do we do?” There was a note of pleading in Johnny’s voice.
“Well,” Rex started, clearly pleased to be called upon in this time of need. “I don’t know what Teenage Sex Juice is, but I’ve found that sometimes you’ve just gotta power through it. Drain it like a battery. Know what I mean?”
“Yeah, we’ve been doing that for the past…” Dixie counted on her fingers, then gave up. “I don’t even know how long it’s been.”
“Time’s lost all meaning.”
“Rex, you wouldn’t believe the shit we’ve been sticking our proverbial dicks in.”
“And our literal dicks.”
“And when we’re not debasing ourselves by fucking the grossest shit in the galaxy, we’re humping everything we come into contact with.” At the mention of humping, they both started to involuntarily flick their hips. “Shit, it’s starting again.”
“Seriously?” Rex asked. “That’s some powerful sex juice. Where were you guys again?”
“Trust us, Rex. This is not something that mere mortals can handle.” At this, Rex raised an eyebrow.
“We fucked a dog man, Rex!” Dixie practically screamed in desperation.
Rex sighed. “There’s another thing you can try. But I’m suggesting this only as a last resort, ok?”
“It can’t be worse than the dog man,” Johnny said. He stood up and started humping the communication device.
“Hurry, Rex!” Dixie called. “This connection isn’t going to hold!”
“Ok, ok! Look, whenever I need to get the old libido to take a bit of breather and all my usual tricks aren’t working, I just bone some gypsies. After that, I never want to have sex ever again for at least a month. You got any space gypsies around?”
Johnny stopped humping and looked at Dixie. “Oh, that’s a good idea.”
“Yeah, space gypsies are way grosser even than the dog man! Why didn’t we think of that?”
“Probably because we can’t stop humping stuff long enough to think.” With that, they both started in on humping the dashboard and the connection was lost.

***

“Where do we go to find space gypsies, anyway?” Dixie asked as they cruised through the galaxy, periodically humping the dashboard of their ship, or the backs of their seats, or anything else handy. But they did so with a more relaxed air now, because they knew that the end was in sight.
“I figure any outdoor restaurant in Starcelona,” Johnny replied. “Remember last time we were there?”
“Couldn’t get a bottle of starwine down without one of ‘em trying to sell us fucking lavender or whatever,” Dixie said.
“Yep. I figure that’s as good a place as any.”
Dixie sighed. “It’s gonna be nice to finally get back to boning who I wanna bone.”
“Yeah, and humping stuff cause it’s funny, not just cause I can’t control myself,” Johnny agreed. “You know what the best part of this gypsy cure is?”
“What’s that?”
“That the gypsies can’t curse us.”
“They can’t?”
“Nope. Cause the gypsy curse is that you get everything you,” Johnny said.
“Oh right!” Dixie exclaimed. “And we already got everything we wanted. That’s how come we’re Humpies now.”
“Exactly.”
“Smart.”

***

A short while later, the shifty and eccentric Johnny Go and his beautiful and psychotic sidekick Dixie Doublestacks had landed their ship on Europa and parked haphazardly without paying in a pay lot near the city center of Starcelona. They made their way down a grand thoroughfare, humping anything that was semi-upright, including statues, trash bins, and beings waiting to cross the street, before finally arriving on a commercial avenue lined with shops and restaurants.
They barged into a cafe with an outdoor seating area and made their way to the tables nearest the sidewalk. Johnny humped a lady on the way, causing her to leave the cafe, outraged. He swiped all her leftovers and took a seat.
A waiter arrived and took their order, just barely escaping Dixie, who attempted to hump him as he stood beside their table. They sat back and waited, trying not to fidget and hump their small cafe table.
Their order arrived. It was mostly wine, but they also got a basket of bread and a cured sausage made out of some kind of local animal. Dixie and Johnny dug in, but the longer they ate and drank, unbothered by peddlers, they started to worry that maybe they’d been wrong. Maybe Starcelona was no longer crawling with space gypsies.
They had finished a bottle of wine each and were starting in on seconds when they realized that someone was standing beside them on the sidewalk. They looked up, and to their relief and horror, realized that a fairly haggard woman in flowing tattered clothing was attempting to sell them something from a basket of weeds.
“Please, you buy? This one for long sex time.” She selected a branch, tied with a stained ribbon, from the basket and passed it to Johnny, who took it and stood up.
“Actually, toots, I definitely don’t need any help in the long sex time department. But I’ll do ya one better.” He climbed onto his chair and stepped over the railing of the cafe patio. The woman stepped back, confused. A moment later, Dixie landed with a thump on the other side.
“Take us to your camp or whatever,” Dixie told the woman, pulling on her basket. “We’ll buy that whole bundle of crap from you.” The woman gripped the basket tightly to her chest and backed away.
“No,” she said, trying to escape. They followed her.
“Where’s your tribe… or band… or… what do you call the swarm of other beings you live with?”
“Clan,” Dixie said.
“Yeah, where’s your clan? We need to see ‘em.”
The woman attempted to ignore them and began to walk purposefully down the road, but Dixie and Johnny stayed hot on her heels. When she tried to stop other beings to sell her weeds, Dixie and Johnny stepped in, thrusting their hips toward the being and sending them away in disgust. Frustrated and annoyed, the old woman finally broke into a run and ducked down an alley near the large stone cathedral, attempting to lose the two strange Earth humans in the ever narrowing maze.
They pursued the woman until the alley spat them out behind a train station. At the far end, a younger boy was crouched by the wall, sorting through a sack full of loot. The woman shouted to him and he stood up, alarmed.
“There can’t just be two of them, right?” Johnny asked as they continued chasing the woman, now on a collision course with the boy.
“No way, there’s gotta be a whole hive,” Dixie replied. “Hopefully this kid is better at speaking English than the crone.”
The woman reached the boy and skidded to a stop, then sidled around behind him, placing him between herself and the two disheveled weirdos following her. She shouted frantically in a language Dixie and Johnny couldn’t understand, but by the time they reached the pair, they were pretty sure they understood the gist of it.
“Whatever she’s telling you is a lie!” Dixie shouted.
“Yeah!”
“We just wanted to party with you guys!”
“Take us to your leader!”
“Friends, friends,” the boy said. “Please. Slow down. I think there maybe has been some not understanding.”
“Sure, we wanted to go party with your clan, or whatever, and this old bag wouldn’t tell us where they were hiding.”
“I see. My tanti was confused. She doesn’t speak other languages, and she thought you were trying to rob her.”
“Of what?” Dixie blurted out.
“Our people are frequent targets of-”
“Look, Boris, we’ve got a real tenuous hold on our sex drives here. Are you gonna take us to party with your family or what?”

***

“Vitsa!” the boy called as they approached a cluster of brightly colored tents and wagons that had been constructed in a field on the outskirts of town. A group of beings milled about, building fires, preparing food, and drinking what Dixie and Johnny hoped was liquor out of jugs tied with twine. Nearby, some livestock grazed. “I have brought new friends!”
One by one, members of the clan took notice and began to make their way over to the visitors. They eyed them curiously, hungrily. A woman in layers of long skirts reached out and touched Dixie’s hair. A man nodded, then eagerly gestured his friend over. Another woman offered Johnny a piece of fruit that looked like an apple, but smelled like beef.
Only the old Tanti hung back, still distrustful of these newcomers.
Dixie and Johnny looked at one another. Both of their faces reflected their internal struggle, a battle being waged between their standards and dignity, and the Teenage Sex Juice still running rampant through their bodies. They steeled themselves and stepped forward.
“Ok, clan,” Johnny Go said. He reached down and untied his bathrobe. “Who’s ready to get nasty?”

***

Several hours later, Dixie and Johnny were inside one of the caravans, which was decorated entirely with brightly colored pillows and cushions. They were each flanked by a rotating cast of five or six space gypsies who were attending to them and to one another. In the corner, a few musicians played songs on weird instruments.
Much to Dixie and Johnny’s relief, the jugs had been filled with something alcoholic, which was taking the edge off how gross the pair were finding the situation otherwise. They were also being fed from platters of fruits, meats, and cheeses. They were trying to stick to the fruits, which they had to admit weren’t bad.
Dixie was propped up on a mountain of pillows, with the man she found the least offensive looking servicing her, while two women and another man took turns feeding her a fruit that looked a little like grapes, and giving her sips of liquor.
Across the room, Johnny Go was on his knees, pounding away at someone whose face he couldn’t see. He’d balanced a plate of fruit on the being’s back, but was still making a woman feed it to him. Behind him, another woman combed his hair.
“Johnny,” Dixie called across the caravan. “I’m feeling more and more disgusted by the minute!”
“Me too!” he replied. “I think it’s working!”
“Oh, that reminds me,” Dixie said, sitting up a bit and tapping her man on the head. “Hey Motshan? While you’re down there, y’think you could get rid of that nun-explody thing we’ve got going on?”
Johnny nodded in agreement, and in time with his thrusting. “We need a good long break from orgies, but once we’re ready to jump back in, we’d like to be able to cross that one off our list.”

***

Their work finished, the clan then took Dixie and Johnny to a large wooden tub, which they’d prepared with perfect temperature water and flower petals. Two women, Vadoma and Masilda, proceeded to bathe them while singing quietly to themselves.
Dixie and Johnny braced themselves, assuming that their raging lust would rear its head and they’d end up in a bathtub orgy, but to their pleasant surprise, they remained exhausted, but satisfied.
“Dix,” Johnny whispered. “I don’t want to pull Masilda into the tub and hump her till the water splashes out. I really think it worked.”
“I know,” Dixie replied. “The only reason I’m tolerating Vadoma working this loofah like she’s sanding a fucking table is because I’m too tired to do anything about it. Not because I want to hump her. I think we’re finally free!”
They luxuriated in their bath for a while longer and were just about to demand that someone feed them more food when a group of beings arrived beside the tub, their arms full of clothing.
“Heyllo, gorgers,” a man said. “It is time for you to get out. The abjav will begin shortly and you must dress.” He motioned for them to step out of the tub, and for some reason they obeyed, even though they weren’t sure why.
“Listen,” Johnny said as he held out his arms, letting two women towel him off. “I know we, like, put on a great performance in there earlier, but I think we’ve reached our quota on freaky orgies for now.”
“No offense,” Dixie added. Two other women were wrapping her in a robe made of bright red fabric and lined with metallic gold trim. “I’m just not really sure I have any gas left in the tank, if you know what I mean.”
They wrapped Johnny in a similar robe, then proceeded to tie a midnight blue cloak to his shoulders. Then they placed wreathes of sticks, vines, and flowers on both of their heads. The women stepped back and admired their handiwork, then nodded to the man who appeared to be the leader.
“It is good,” the man said, turning on his heel and walking toward the circle of caravans. The rest of the space gypsies surrounded Dixie and Johnny and escorted them along.
They reached the far side of the caravans and found that the entire clan had assembled, dressed in what Dixie and Johnny took to be their finest clothing, which wasn’t very fine at all. In front of the group, ten space gypsies stood eagerly under an arbor, which had been cobbled together with scraps of wood and decorated with more flowers.
When they reached the group, they stopped and stared. The man who had been leading raised his arms. “Familija! It is time for the pachiv to begin!” The group turned and looked at Dixie and Johnny, then let out a loud cheer, stomping their feet, clapping, whistling. Some shook tambourines. “Bring the rakli and raklo to the altar!”
The escorts began to push Dixie and Johnny forward, through the crowd, toward the smaller group standing under the flowered archway. When they passed the man who seemed to be in charge, Johnny grabbed him.
“Timbo, what the fuck is happening?”
“You will marry to our group,” he said, gesturing to the ten gypsies standing under the arbor. “Then we will be vitsa!” He shouted the last part, and a cheer went up.
“I don’t know what vitsa is,” Dixie whispered to Johnny as they were shoved forward, “But I don’t want to marry anyone, let alone these skanks.”
They took their places at the front of the group and were told to stand in the middle of the ten beings they would apparently be marrying. An extremely old woman hobbled up. Her face was warty. She wore dark flowing garments and was covered in jewels. She faced the audience and began to croak out something that sounded like language, but who could tell. Presumably the ceremony had begun.
“Dix,” Johnny said. “I think maybe it’s time for us to fraternize with more respectable folks.” Dixie nodded in agreement.
They watched, listened, and waited while the old woman worked herself into a state, chanting, singing, clapping. The clan joined in, and soon were dancing and singing, and in such a state that Dixie and Johnny saw their opportunity. They looked at one another, counted down silently, and went for it.
Dixie lit a matchbook and tossed it quickly into the group. It caught the back of the old woman’s robe, and the cheap fabric immediately went up in flames. Sensing something was wrong, she spun around to see behind her, and the flame spread to the woman next to her, then to the man on her other side. Soon, like wildfire, the flames spread throughout the clan.
While the panic spread, Johnny threw his last remaining wad of cash on the ground and the two ran off into the night.